Monthly Archives: October 2009

Stepping into a New Existence

Stepping into a New Existence

I love the feeling I get when I step off the life-bus that transported me from one experience into this new experience. Where my mind still hasn’t quiet realized that the previous experience is over and that I’m about to enter yet anther unknown experience. I’m still reacting with the same sense of urgency even though, I can relax now because it is over and I never have to live it again unless I want to.

That feeling is not only great when I’m living it, but it feels just as good to realize that a feeling like that will come again once I’ve finished out this current chapter of experience. There I will be, suitcase in hand, fully in awe of what I have just been through… and in awe of the fact that it is finally over.

Jealousy II

Jealousy II

I was editing my previous note on Jealousy and thought of a very important contributing factor. People get too comfortable and take too much for granted. There comes a point where one feels as though they can behave however they please within any relational context and that is definitely not always respectful.

It is some arrogance of youth perhaps that makes us not notice that these rituals we performed in the confidence of our peers actually do mean something and there is an effect to causes.

Some adjustment within the self needs to be made in order to notice why and how these people rely on you. Recklessly throwing that away under the guise of “I can do as I please!” just rips apart everything you naturally but unknowingly built for yourself. Action you take is closely monitored… you can say whatever you want but if you don’t pull through on your end of the contract, all those words will have no power because you’ve lost trust by rebelling against the situations you agreed to put yourself in. So it is unfair to be angry at a jealous person, they are essentially confused by the disconnection between your behavior and your words.

The Bubbles

The Bubbles

When something has been a habit or other form or reoccurring trend in life often times it is but a symptom of some- probably- underlying issue, or so I have come to notice, especially in the realm of thoughts and behaviors which stand out or have more extreme effects on my otherwise calm presence. The acknowledgment that “this is happening for a reason” is actually the moment when your subconscious mind (call it anything you you you like) finally got the message through that an conflict is at hand which cannot be balanced on the level at which the SC usually goes about its business. Perhaps to, I have resisted some natural tendency too much and the SC must therefore take more drastic and stronger measures in an attempt to maintain homeostasis and keep you in what it believes is your natural balance.

So I am my own puzzle. These thoughts from my past which haunt me are just reminders of something. On the surface, I’ve learned what to avoid or what is not wanted for basic survival of the self, but there is more to it. I have thought these thoughts many, many times over and over again and my reaction to them has turned to disgust. Which is abnormal for thoughts that didn’t originate such an extreme response from me. What is still abnormal is that I haven’t forgotten them yet. Compared to similar thoughts, of which I couldn’t wait for a time when I wouldn’t remember anything more than the blank space in my mind cabinet that it once filled, these are be played and displayed consistently. I think this is just another layer of life that I have to work through; this one just has different attributes and it took me longer to realize that yet another layer of unresolved issues has been cleared leaving this odd one in full bloom. I guess the next question is: Is this constant uncovering of issues normal? I guess it is a good thing that my biggest haunting only stretches back less than two years ago.

Problems with Human Interaction

Problems with Human Interaction


Some people’s good moods can be a subconscious trap to find more reasons to be pissed off at me later.

Excessive addiction to knowledge which supports preconceived notions, surf the Internet and you will find the answer you are looking for.

Rebellion as a cure for discomfort

Inertial behavior

Inability to know all the details necessary to make educated decisions, or rather belief that one has enough information to make such decisions.

The belief in the misconception that there is a “normal state of mind.” This encourages people to recognize how they aren’t good enough and thus keeps them working harder at tasks which they think are in line with what is “Normals, ”in an attempt to be something other than what they themselves would otherwise, naturally be.

Lack of education about who educated people are and what has driven them to gain an education.

The lack understanding that doctors are in control of what denotes mental illness and lack of the realization that that is only one opinion which is just a measure of control over the population.

Educated people believing that they in fact, are now better because they know more about a subject, yet their knowledge is still just bias on the grounds that it was sought out to fulfill a purpose, yet until one is actually knowledgeable of the subject, they had no idea what exactly they were getting themselves into and perhaps in the process their original goal has been abandoned. The idea of an education also is that you are being trained to do a task and distraction from that task is ingrained to be avoided on the grounds of society needing you to complete tasks with your expertise. Road blocks (especially those imposed by people more so than standardized tests) to your ultimate goal should be read into with extreme detail because it is most likely that there is something about you which is not conducive with the profession. These things can be changed and often simply require a bit more growing up, but that takes you being willing to change yourself to yet another group of people’s definition of normal. Which if you are one who is on a mission to be “normal” then this is definitely the profession for you.

Jealousy Part I

Jealousy Part I

Jealousy obviously exists in many forms and contexts but I think people look at it most often from the point of view of the person who claims to be wrongly accused, but the person who is ill with jealousy has a very different story, one that should not be disregarded when viewing the situation from outside.

For me, at one point, Jealously was born out of being starved of what social nutrients I defined as necessary ingredients to be reassured that my relationship does indeed exist in the form that I had come to believe it did.

It is normal not receive certain actions from another party at times due to circumstance, but it is another to watch it be given to something or someone else instead of you. To be consistently reminded of this, carelessly compared, or told it is no big deal when you attempt to talk about what you are feeling only adds more negative emotions and ideas, including distrust, and the disconnection between what you are verbally told and what you physically see happening right in front of you becomes more evident.

As the actions compile so does the fear-driven paranoia. You have been told that you are misinterpreting the situation and that all is just as normal, but you cannot help but to understand that the mind is, if anything, a function of the body. A Function that has its own agenda to maintain and conscious reasons to maintain it, but it also does not have a consistent conscious awareness of everything happening in the body. So if the behavior continues either you are dealing with a mind that is completely unaware of it’s own body’s intentions or you are dealing with a liar. Either way, there is opposing data being received, one from the eyes and one from the ears. Personally I would rather loose my hearing than my sight, so you will understand why for me visual cues trump audio ones.

From there you start asking yourself, well then, if all the previously received reassurance as to the nature of this relationship is no longer reserved for me like it was, then I am not in the relationship I thought I was in. Not that change is a bad thing but if I don’t like this new multi-dimensional relationship, then hanging around just makes me the fool.

Future jealousy understands the fool in the end and thus inhibits a purpose in trying again.


/dɪˈzɜrv/ Show Spelled [dih-zurv] Show IPA verb, -served, -serv⋅ing.

–verb (used with object) merit, be qualified for, or have a claim to (reward, assistance, punishment, etc.) because of actions, qualities, or situation: to deserve exile; to deserve charity; a theory that deserves consideration.

–verb (used without object) be worthy of, qualified for, or have a claim to reward, punishment, recompense, etc.: to reward him as he deserves; an idea deserving of study.

Playing an Undesireable Social Role

Playing an Undesireable Social Role

The thing about spending enormous amounts of time alone is that you get to see first hand human socialization habits, as just that, habits, well more than just habits…. More like a series of pointless, often useless, and emotionally draining habits. Okay, okay, I won’t completely drag it down here; many of them are indeed fulfilling, useful, and personally rewarding. But unfortunately we have just been exposed to them and when we, for some reason, didn’t pull off the habit as well as others, we have spent an enormous amount of time trying and retrying to get them right and “fit in.”

This means we continually subject ourselves to other people for the purpose of fitting in to some sort of club only because at one point we thought we weren’t quite good enough to get into but we wanted to get in. In reality, we were in the club, just not the role we wanted for ourselves.

Our role was to be the person who never got it right, no matter what we did because once we got it right, the rules changed to keep us as the people in the club that the other members could talk about behind our back and use us as a conversational past time to avoid confronting themselves and their own ridiculous ways. Now once you’ve been in the club for a while you realize you aren’t the only one who is in this role, there are others in your same class of people who are never allowed to get things right.

Some of us may chose to ignore what I believe are negative aspects of this role and just accept the role in the club you have been given because deep down you need these people to make you feel at ease inside yourself (for reasons undiscovered thus far by me), regardless of how often you notice insiders casting quick smirking glances between each other when your sense of expressing yourself confirms something they noticed in a prior confidence.

Now all this depends upon the context of why these people keep inviting you around. There are plenty of times I am willing and able to make fun of myself and allow others to do so, but the difference is I want to be in that role.



Risk of being reduced to a stepping stone

Exposed to different peoples social rules and levels of what is polite. Also their own concept of time. Should one person feel that a week is a long time to go without some sort of validation of the relationship and you think a month is enough then the person with the need for a shorter interval for (not justification but…. What’s the word?) reassurance then the more secure person (assuming the ability to go longer periods of time without reassurance or change in the perception of the status of the relationship indicates less insecurity) must accommodate the insecurities of the other and add this action to the list of what friends are for. With insecurity comes a higher threshold for being let down. Those who are more secure and less in need of constant reassurance have stricter boundaries.

Bipolar Behavior

Bipolar Behavior

The most annoying aspect of an over expression of annoyance or anger is the transition by way of guilt . How one passes from positive to negative emotions I think plays an important part in their behavior towards other people. If I were to get into a positive mood by relaxing, reading, playing golf, etc. and completely moving into a positive mood unrelated to the negative state of mind then the forthcoming actions, when presented with that negative situation, is different than if I convinced myself that I have gone too far and used that realization to further “make up” for my previous over expression of emotion. Thus being able to be overly nice later is not honest because it would not have happened had I not been in a bad mood yesterday. Some people just need to be bitches in order to get to that super nice state of mind they probably wish they could always be in.

In reality, it is best to simply own your bad mood, possibly admit to those who took the brunt of it that you were wrong to get that heated or at least, completely address it to yourself so you can better understand yourself. Then, and this is key, return to homeostasis! Don’t go on a super overly nice spree because it is way, way obvious that your doing it because of yesterday’s behavior and just don’t want to address it by admitting you read way too far into the email for some stupid, emotionally reactive ego protecting reason. Beyond that, you’ll burn yourself out because most probably the people you are now trying really hard to be overly nice to, probably don’t deserve THAT much niceness. Knowing this, you will eventually get bitter and play the game called “Look at how nice I’ve been to you” and end up getting really, really pissed off at nothing once the wick of your Nice candle gets blow out by some common minor annoyance, which, had you been maintaining homeostasis, would have hardly been noticeable.



I’m wondering if in fact people would be happier if they weren’t so preoccupied with the way food and drinks taste. There is a quality limit to this, meaning that if an undesirable taste is a result of spoilage, then by all means don’t keep trying it to find something good about it.

I’m also referring to taste just like in choosing clothing, but instead food. I think it is ridiculous to physiologically identify with a food product because its brand. Though I can see the benefits to the self by defining oneself but exterior parameters which outside can easily understand. We are essentially walking through our day accepting and rejecting items in the world and projecting them onto ourselves, being encouraged or discouraged for trying certain aspects on for size.

Same thing goes for religion too. Is it more fitting to worship a male or a female, human or animal, mystical unknown force or a concrete object? It is just categorizing yourself into a comfortable mold to socially fit into and at the same time provide an imaginary helper who understands you better than you understand yourself. Propagation of simple survival techniques such as this works well to distract the conscious mind enough with the outer world so that fear won’t work counter productive to its survival purpose.

It is hard not to live for external identification of who you are by what you choose to surround yourself with all these impression being thrown at us constantly. For me the fine line is drawn between the capable and the not so capable. Being capable to me, means choosing wisely (maybe a bit too cautiously) what influences you allow in and also what influences you seek out.

Also the primary method you gain your information from is another display of taste. After receiving some sort of stimulus from the external world to spark me to action, I prefer to read enough to realize what I cannot figure out on my own. Once I realize that there is more information out there somewhere (which I cannot seem to process or maybe do not know where to look) then I ask, not necessarily a good source, but maybe just a good friend who (through conversation) can help me put things in better prospective before I decide whether or not I have already obtained sufficient information to solve my personal puzzle.