Depression is a matter of belief. Belief that all your worst fears will come true and that you are powerless to do anything to stop the ship from sinking. Your future is played in your mind-screen as a projection where all the negatives from your current situation are amplified. No thought is given that things won’t get that bad. It is a survival mechanism gone faulty. True we need to know what seedlings will grow into something poisonous, but not everything is bad. Depression lays with superstition in that it needs no evidence, not display of physical law to prove that the future is unpredictable. It is evil in the sense that it relies on the great unknown as proof of one’s powerlessness.
“How could I, a single human, fight the great unknown?” I ask myself in despair. My first response is to shine light on the unknown and then know it. But the unknowns are infinite in number and strength. The process of getting to know an unknown leads to the discovery of more and more unknowns. The never ending chase leads to exhaustion and then more reliance on depression’s comfortable embrace for sustenance to one’s self feeling good enough again before plunging back down into its depths.
Only once depression subsides (or it lets me take a break) do I get to a point where I can reflect on it as if it were one single packet of time. Seeing depression for what it is helps me to combat it every time, but each new spring leads eventually to a new winter. Feeling better just makes me wonder what darkness I will have to combat with in the future. So I scan my environment, on edge waiting for my next trigger. Picking up signals and using my imagination, as I walk along the streets I project what an evil seed would look like if it were to grow into a full sized monster. Then suddenly, I am there again, forecasting my future using my everyday routine as a mechanism to prove that my worst fears will one day come true. Not only do I waste all my time worrying about all the things that will never happen to me, I feel my hopes and dream ly in that same category as fantasies that I can never achieve.
Depression inverts fears and dreams. It makes me believe my fears will come true and my desires won’t, even though there is simply no way of knowing what will happen.