Monthly Archives: March 2018

My many depressions

My many depressions

Depression comes in many forms and at many different types of times.  It doesn’t usually just start one day and then suddenly leave me like my exboyfriend.  It blends in and out of life, feeding off my decisions, exposing the badness of them quietly.  My subconscious brain can only deal with the growing depression for so long before she starts expressing her need to change habits and routines.  The problem is that she doesn’t speak in verbal language while I am usually so caught up in adapting to my external world that I fail to notice that she’s saying anything at all.

The depression exploits this internal communication gap by hyjacking my sensitivities to perform in tandem with my subconscious brain’s attempts to alert me that I need to change my ways.  Subconscious brain says we need to go to sleep early to be well rested for work.  Depression has me over sleep my Alarm anyway so I’m late.  Was being tired early, sleeping excessively, or waking up late the subconscious brain signal?  I usually can’t tell.  So I adapt.  I find a balance in this push and pull.  Depression often has root in my external world anyway so I’m even further under its spell.

Depressions attract other depressions who further suck my energy, though for shorter periods of time.  Had the underlying depression not been in place, these devils would have been shrugged off and barely even noticed.  But they are instead brought straight in like a virus to show me how much worse I could feel about myself due to current external factors.  Truth is, there is always, 100% of the time something to feel bad about.  But I only choose to see it that way when I’m under depression’s spell.  Those jerks leave me alone eventually and my emotions settle down to the happiest I can be which is still depressed but with an extra feeling of relief.

I only know this because I’ve seen it many times from the outside.  During rare breaks of purity, happiness and free time are so abundant that even my subconscious brain is strong enough to keep all depressions far far away!  Only then can I look back and see extactly what was causing the dark mental fog to linger over me.

Each depression was different, some made me a sad drunk or an angry drunk.  Some were caused purely by a single person whom I now avoid with the utmost joy.  Jobs bring their own depression but not all of them.  Some big depressions join forces, like debt and a job.  My most recent escape.

These were unique in that the debt depression lasted the duration of the debt, six years.  Whereas the job was only the last two of that.  I feel the most relief from the job depression because it is receding much faster. My boss no longer has any control over me and he finally realized that.  No one is watching my time.  I come and go as I please.

The debt depression will continue to reveal what it has stolen from me over the next few months.  The growing list thus far includes my vanity, sense of style, generosity, stuff maintenance, and the ability to just visit with people.  The most difficult to grasp is my dreams for the future.  I stopped creating them.  I was so miserable and overwhelmed with loss that I focused all my energy into getting out debt.  I simply couldn’t afford to be myself if it meant living with that depression any longer than I absolutely had to.  I gave up a lot of myself to pursue this goal, but I would have given up just as much had I never embarked on it in the first place.  This was my chance at achieving a higher level of happiness.  It’s working, slowly.

I’m finally here, able to grow again my way.  I just need to figure out where to go from here.



Taming the Wild

Taming the Wild

I envision that in my old age, after all the major phases of life have passed, I’ll often ponder back on my old emotions. I’ll spend time remembering how long it took me to classify and name them all; how hard it was to tame them to the point that I can appear in public flawlessly, without incident. I’m sure by then they will sit in my mental tool box as neatly arranged packages, patiently waiting until I decide which ones I need to use for life’s now commonplace occurrences. I imagine that by then, they will know how to take their turn and so very few of them will take me by surprise. Even if I am by chance caught off guard, I will have already developed a technique for being caught off guard and so will not cause anyone alarm. Thus all this time I now spend starring endlessly at my ceiling, pondering what the hell just happened, will eventually be spent on more practical tasks. Though I am sure I will miss these ‘oh so wild states of fits and passion’ that so wrongly embarrass and haunt me, by then I will probably yearn to encounter new pieces of myself and wish that it all wasn’t so well organized….

-Singapore June 2012