All the cool stuff is happening in the future right now and I am stuck in the present just watching it all happen over and over and over. All my possible futures are happening right behind my eyes and all I’m doing is sitting here watching and waiting endlessly for my turn to play life to its fullest again.
I find myself noticing how I have forgotten what it is like to be a child. I’ve been strict and committed to the idea of never forgetting from about the age of 4. I say 4 because 4 is the age I don’t remember being, yet I remember learning this idea prior to remembering the age of 5.
Now that I know that I will have another break from employment obligations my brain has instantly gone back into summer vacation mode. A job hopper’s dream, dream, dream come true! This will be the first time between jobs (out of 15) that I get paid to take a break from work. My ego is stroking itself repeating, “I’m so good at this,” over and over and I just watch and laugh carelessly in agreement as if it were actually true. It’s not because I’m good at this. It’s because of random timing. I just happen to finally find a “permanent” job two years before that job was being moved out of state and it just so happens that I will get bought out of my “at-will” employment agreement. This is really a “please don’t sue us” or a “statistically, if we buy you out of your job you are less likely to be a problem in the future” payout.
What does this have to do with summer vacation? Summer vacation is when, not only does your environment not change, but your standard of living also goes up for those three months. While not on summer vacation one must adhere to the norm of civilized educated society by showing up at a location at a specific time and paying attention to/remaining in that specific location for a specific period of time. None of that happens on summer vacation. None. On summer vacation I sleep when I want to sleep, I eat when I want to eat, I talk to people when I want to talk to people, and best of all I drive when I want to drive. I am essentially my true self. Not this mercenary self who is well aware her student debt needs to be paid off in order to move forward in life.
It’s the need to be a mercenary that has created its own survival personality. This is survival in its simplest form. I should be grateful that my survivor personality is not a staring victim of war or a self defending warrior of a warring nation. No, mine is one of a bored middle class adventurer. Very first world problem, thank. god. But that’s what I’ve got and thats the biggest problem my almost unemployed brain wants to go with. The fact that playtime is nearing in 100% of it’s truest form (of the likes I have not seen for more than a decade) and I have forgotten how to play.
For years my hobbies have been dwindling out of my everyday routine. All my favorite toys are collecting dust in my closet or under my bed. I think of them often but am too put off by the amount of work it takes to play with them. I’d rather not start than get half way through, not finish, but still have a huge mess to clean up. That’s what she said 😉
I’ve seen no point in continuing activities that aren’t going to actually and practically get me ahead in the world. I haven’t had the mental energy to juggle too many ideas at a given time. I dislike my day being full of scheduled activities and feeling obligated to clean off my to-do list. I’m an essentially sick of many things that used to fly me away into happiness. They say that is a sign of depression. If so, I’m the happiest depressed person that I’ve ever met. Maybe I was depressed and didn’t know it and suddenly I’m not depressed and have forgot the extremity of where I was a few weeks ago before I found out that I have the opportunity to be myself again (for a long time) very, very soon. In that case it wouldn’t matter, at least not until I’m back down to a level that relates, which would be in the future where apparently not only cool stuff is happening.