Category Archives: Relationships

The Frequency of Conversation

The Frequency of Conversation

Conversations either flow or they don’t.  I find it strange when my in vain efforts to initiate conversations leads my counter party and myself to have a conversation over how my behavior has been interpreted as strange to them.

There is just no simpler way of saying it:

“I just wanted to talk to you, so I called, and when you didn’t answer, I left you a message.  When you didn’t return my call for a few days I assumed you didn’t want to talk to me….then when you finally did talk to me, I had already gotten over wanting to talk to you, but I was suddenly stuck in conversation with you and had to processes the two conflicting ideas that 1) I thought you didn’t want to talk to me and now 2) you are talking to me.”

So you can understand my confusion and hesitance because now that I am finally having the conversation that I was hoping to have 5 days ago, I can’t enjoy it because I have a feeling that I’m going have something I want to tell you about tomorrow and I’ll have to wait another 5 days until you are in the mood to talk with me.  At that time I will have probably forgotten what it was I wanted to tell you, so I won’t have anything to say, so I’ll just act nervous because all this stuff is going through my mind because someone in particular doesn’t like having conversations as often as I do.

On the Freedom from Friendship

On the Freedom from Friendship

Some people are so absorbed in their culture that they have very rigid beliefs about the way society functions, or should function, that it is almost pointless to tell them any of your rather humorous fuax pas because, instead of laughing, they will start to pity you.

The moment you realize you are being pitied, is a moment of truth.  The sun shines brighter, a breeze whirls around you, an intensely fresh scent intoxicates you, and it suddenly it hits you that you don’t actually give a damn.  You find yourself yelling, “Finally!! I am free of this shit!” with you arms up to the sun in a victory V and your head tilted back.  Your mind starts to reconnect the past in ways that make you realize why you’ve been feeling so disconnected with this person for so long but didn’t have words or reason to describe it.

Gingerly, you wait as time passes…”maybe it was just a fleeting moment and I will change my mind,” you think to yourself.  But no, as time goes on, life gets better.  There is no aching hole to fill, instead you actually enjoy using it for target practice and admire it like a trophy by hanging it on your wall…”See this here,” you imagine telling some future person, “this is all that’s left of that friendship, beat it to the ground didn’t we eh? nothing left to salvage [insert Santa Claus laugh here].” You realize that you didn’t actually need the person at all because you haven’t hardly even had an inkling of a reason to pretend like you are friends with them again.  Now there is a whole open space, void of bitching and agreeing-just-to-avoid-negative-situations, that can be filled with new people and ideas and happy thoughts…..

On the Psychological Mirror

On the Psychological Mirror

In trying to differentiate what makes someone attractive or not, I can only come up with one solid reason for why I would choose to spend more time with a person.  (by attractive I mean any type of attribute which naturally [meaning subconsciously] causes me to hangout with somebody [as a friend, acquaintance, boyfriend, etc.)  That one solid attribute is the fact that the image of myself which they project back to me is in line with my own esteem for myself.  Yes, having things in common is a magnet (at least until we exhaust that topic) but it won’t really form any real bond because there are lots of people with whom I share many hobbies so that doesn’t, in itself, make one person stand out.  It can be annoying actually, when people push and push the things we have in common down my throat, like, we may have the topic in common, but our style of talking about it clearly isn’t in common, but that’s another issue.

I think it is much more difficult to project a positive image of a person when there is too much emotion attached to them.  So over time, longer relationships tend to dull out from the accumulated moments of another person projecting back at you a negative view of yourself.  It is the learning exchange.  You’re happy when another person picks up on a fun social game that you play because, well, you like that game and you like that you have someone to play it with.  But once you see how they learned some of your negative habits, the fun is over.  Because you know what they are doing because you taught it to them.  They didn’t throw that psychological ball at you before because most likely they didn’t know it yet or they didn’t know it would work until something you did subconsciously clued them in.

At that point, you’re sitting there watching parts of yourself that you dislike being tossed right back at you with a devious smile and life for those moments doesn’t get any worse.  You sit there, letting your body entertain the bitter body across the table from you while your mind tries to figure out what went wrong.  The situation is so subtle that it isn’t worth being frank about it because it can easily be denied.  But you know for sure you pissed someone off somewhere along the way and this is how they step up to the plate about it.

This is why it is good to give people time.  You need to see if the positive image of yourself they usually reflect is still maintained when they are under stress because of you.

Fuel for Dream Worlds

Fuel for Dream Worlds

New people can always wait, or so, I have recently found, is the best policy.  I didn’t always have that policy though, and I should have, especially with a few key individuals.  Funny how being open doesn’t have the same connotation as it once did.  I used to be so closed off, then all of a sudden I was way open and met some really cool people, through whom I have gradually realized I should be a bit more closed off.  Is it me or is it them?  The difficulty is that, in the beginning, people are always excited about new people with whom they share some sort of connection (or even a “spark” if they’re lucky) with.

That spark helps, it does… but it doesn’t mean that person is not going to treat you in a manner you deem as disrespectful.  It just means that you’re going to get a bit too close to someone too fast before you can gauge any real connectivity between the two of you.  Unless, of course, you can develop the ability to hold back a bit.  Yes, the Sparkers are on your radar more so than any others. Yes, you want to spend more time with them and get more information about them to fill your dream world with wonderful day dreams where this new person is the star player.  But no, you shouldn’t do that.  I was once told that it is not healthy to meditate/think in-depth about an actual person, now I understand why.

You can tell when another person has done this (used your essence for dream world fuel) about you, because at some point in time they will tell you all about how disappointed they are in you.  They will claim that the type of person they perceived you to be in the beginning is actually much different from the person they are speaking to only a few weeks later and they are no longer interested in you because of it.

When this happens, you must question your role in the equation, because in no way has your true character EVER been given a chance.  People (myself included) use the real world as fuel for their own internal dreamworld and it is best to identify this trait in individuals before you start making clouded judgments about them.

If anyone ever claims that you possess any personality traits which are completely opposite of who you know yourself to be, then, I am sorry to tell you, but you have fallen victim to a delusional mind.  There are no words that can convince the person of the type of person you actually are, because they already made up their mind as to who you are to them.  And who you are to a person is all they will LET you be to them.

The words are only a way to pass time while they come to terms with the fact that you aren’t who they want/need you to be, therefore the words mean nothing, so don’t get stuck on them.  Actions and body language are all that matter.

The Ones Who Didn’t Make the Cut

The Ones Who Didn’t Make the Cut

It is disheartening to have such a long list of once thought of as potential all-stars.  Usually once the draft is done and the teams have been finalized no one cares about those who didn’t make the team, everyone just focuses on how the chosen players perform.  It isn’t the case with me because I chose them all and it was up to them to meet the minimum qualifications.  I was honestly rooting for them to pull through for me.  In most cases it was just one more thing, just that one more leap or jump that would pull them into the club, sadly that one more thing was the breaking point.

The order in which they arrive is what has done most of them in.  The first few had few, if any, requirements to meet to at least get into the club.  Over time they have either faded out or have been grandfathered in to the point that they can do as they please.  But these new ones, these are the ones I worry most about.  They always show up in shining armor expecting (or hoping for) an easy fight.  Little do they know that I am not what I appear to be, because I do not want to appear to be what I really am.  It is a battle of wits for me.  If I can outsmart you, throw you a curve ball that gets you off track and leaves you immobilized, well then, you are not what I am looking for and I am happy for your silence.  Thank you.  Any approach whether conscious or by chance has to be in my right way and flow (from my point of view) naturally.  That’s not to say without difficulty.  Difficulty is fun because it implies learning and training to overcome it.

I am writing this because I’m disappointed in the losers; mainly because at some point I was really rooting to have them in my world.  Unfortunately it was only an image of them that I was really rooting for.  I was rooting for that image to either manifest or to be overtaken in the stricter sense by their own, true personality.   The disappointment is fueled by their left over image in my mind which is left floating like a humming bird somewhere deep in my brain.  “No,” I have to tell myself, “I have no way of knowing if that person actually exists because they won’t show themselves to me in a language that I can learn to speak.”

On Post Post Traumatic Stress

On Post Post Traumatic Stress

I sat trying to read a book full of cool concepts but I couldn’t help but to internalize on all the memories that can finally come to mind without causing me distress.  Well, I guess that isn’t true because if they no longer had a negative effect on me then the topic of them wouldn’t suck my attention away from the book I had set out to read.  So, at least the horrible thoughts don’t completely incapacitate me as they once did.

It is annoying how crises often drive exciting times in life.  But crises are often referred to as the catalyst for change.  I see nothing wrong with that because crises happen all the time, the only difference is that for most crisis, I already have the appropriate coping mechanisms built up so they pass by without much left-over thought.  For those crises that I am not prepared to deal with, I am cursed to constantly review and review and review and play out and play out and play out the events until my mind is finally a lean mean coping machine.

My problem with this method of learning is that I do not like the middle of the process where I am fully aware of the fact that I am in a state of turmoil with nothing but time needed to bring my mind back to a functionally healthy state.  While waiting for my mind to get over it’s cold, confusion causes immobilization which in turn causes more conflict to arise out of the life situations that I now face in the aftermath of the initial crisis situation.   In short, recovery is a long and arduous task and can only be accomplished by simply doing what it is I need to do to make myself realize that what I’ve gone through is actually normal, Fortune just had never swung her tiller so sharply for me before.


But afterwards, what is to be done when all evidence of some monumentous, now long past, occurrence in life is all but erased from my daily experience?  Aside from the memories popping up here and there, things are calmer now, there is nothing to struggle against.  Days pass by smoothly, people come and go, work gets done, new opportunities pop up to greet me, etc. I guess this is just what it is like to have let something go.  But it feels weird to have once spent so long plagued by flashbacks in often silent despair, to now talk freely about all the details as if it were some sort of sitcom.  Why did it take so long not to care about it?  Why couldn’t I have been in this state of not caring sooner?  I would be three years more advanced than I am now.  Sigh, it is just the way of the cookie.

Social Experiments

Social Experiments

I realized that my keenness to practice patience often places me beyond my comfort zone (not necessarily negative). I enjoy being patient because I like so much to see what assumptions of mine are correct and which turn out to be incorrect, or just a liitle off, etc, etc. So I sit and wait and watch until I’ve gathered enough evidence to support a social theory, which could be negative or positive. At times I throw in a little extra fuel until either an external force throws me off the scent or I get bored with the test because the signals no longer confuse me. Once the mix becomes homogenized, I stamp that layer as “solved” and begin work on the next most confusing thing, which luckily, at this moment, is myself. Swan diving into my psyche is just far more interesting once someone gives me a good reason to put my walls up.

On Despair

On Despair

I sat on the balcony of a cafe next to my work in Sydney gazing out at the puffy clouds in the sky to the west. It was lunch time, well, the end of lunchtime, I was in the habit of taking lunches later to make the rest of the work day go by quicker. I had tunnel vision, meaning I didn’t care to look around and see if anyone I knew was sitting nearby; all I could think of was how horrible it was to be in this situation.

I just wanted to cry but I was tired of crying, I cried for three days after every phone call because I couldn’t stop habitually ruminated over every detail of the call. He wanted to pretend like nothing was wrong; wanted to call me as if I was happy he dumped me and was now off doing what he thought was what I wanted to do all along. I couldn’t do it anymore. There was no reassurance, no mention that the problem existed other than a Freudian slip followed by a nervous laugh when he accidentally said April 4th (the day he dumped me in a smokey bar) instead of August 4th (the day he was planning some sort of backpacking trip). Regardless of him making such a big deal about leaving me behind for some life experience that he couldn’t do tied to some girl back home, he still insisted on calling me every few days to tell me of his adventures and listen to what I was doing.

It was that day, 4 months later that I realized he dumped me after 7 years to go on vacation.

So there I sat, plagued by cyclical emotions. The current emotion I was in was rather analytical and dry of energy. I realized that the only reason my mind was sick was because this voice kept creeping into my life from far away offering nothing more than a hint that it might come visit. The thought of which only filled me with dread.

Then the phone rang again, as if on cue. There it was again, apparently sitting in some cafe in Tibet or some country near there, expecting to get what it wanted out of me for the time being without leaving me with something of value in return. I was mad at it, but I didn’t know how to get rid of it. So I just started talking about all the boys that I’ve encountered to make him jealous (because I knew it would work regardless of how he denied ever being jealous). I went into detail about how the boys all loved me and complimented me on the strangest things and how they were all so different and all such good friends even though I had only known them for the few months I’d been in Sydney, and how I was really fascinated by one in particular.

Then I just came out with it and asked, “Why are you calling me?”

There wasn’t much of an answer, so I just kept talking, “I don’t understand why you are calling me, you were so mean to me, you said such horrible things, and now you want to call me like none of it ever happened, you just want to go on as if nothing happened.”

Somehow the subject of another girl came up, who I knew he had a crush on because he hadn’t stopped talking about her for an entire year. Then he said, “you always get in a such a rage when [girl] is mentioned, you know you’re just going to have to get used to her and I being friends.”

“No,” I said, “I don’t because I don’t want to talk to you anymore, this whole situation is driving me crazy and I don’t want to deal with it anymore.”

“Whoa…. What!?!” he responded almost with a slight laugh over me saying I was being driven crazy because he always called me crazy for having normal female emotions, “But [girl] and I were going to come visit you!”

“What the fuck do I care about seeing [girl], why the fuck does she have anything to do with this?” I said.

It was at that point someone (the fascinating one in particular, of all people) walked by and tapped me on the head with a rolled up newspaper, as if to say what specifically I am not sure, but I perceived as if, to say “hey I’m here and take it easy.”

“Great,” I thought, “I tried to keep all this away from new people, I tried as much as I could to not be broken, but I’ve failed by being stuck in this tunnel vision of a fog all because the phone happened to ring when someone I knew was nearby.” If I wasn’t pissed off at my situation before I definitely was now. And I wasn’t going to put up with this shit any longer.

“But I’ve been carrying gifts for you for three weeks until I could get to a post office, what am I supposed to do with them now?” the voice pleaded.

“Throw them away, I don’t care, I don’t want them anymore, give them to [girl] sounds like she’ll appreciate them,” I snapped back.

“Well okay,” he said, “If you’re going to be like that then I guess this is goodbye.”

“I guess so!” I retorted.

“Okay, then, bye.” were the last words from the voice I’ve ever heard.

“Bye,” click.

Then sometime later… the phone rang back in Huntington Beach, California.

It was the voice on a train to his next city, calling a friend back at home.

“Friend! It’s [the voice],” came a solemnly desperate voice

“Hey man, What’s up?” asked the friend.

“Stephanie,” sob, “said she doesn’t want to talk to me anymore,” he cried.

Just as the friend was about to respond the call was dropped and there was silence.

The Apology

The Apology

Apologies have so much power. I love apologizing to someone who as just lost a couple points of my respect just to see how they take it. It is funny to see how their whole attitude changes all of a sudden. It went from a situation where no one had yet admitted fault and both parties have looming thoughts of “oh shit, I hope I’m not going to be in the doghouse for doing that,” to “yeah, you did mess up, but it is okay I forgive you.” Whoa, just because I apologize doesn’t mean you didn’t mess up either. And I know you know that you were no angel, but you’re not that smart to have fooled me into disregarding your rather ridiculous behavior.

The funny thing is that I am not talking about one specific situation here. I have a couple in mind actually, all with different parties involved. Taking the blame, to cite a useful example, is actually a very powerful maneuver when I intend to no longer upkeep a relationship with someone. They walk away all proud that they were right (silently thanking god that I didn’t call them out of their fears) and assume, for a while, that my silence is an indication that I am somewhat shy about crossing their path again, leaving me plenty of time to move along with my life without bother from said individual. (Note: this doesn’t apply to you if I still talk to you, and it took rather monumental incidents to illicit this type of extreme I am referencing here, but this was a natural reaction out of me before I realized that it causes problems leading to further analysis in hopes of finding a better way of reacting to such situations).

Sounds harsh, but that’s the difficulty in accepting an apology from someone else. (I’m talking about real apologies from real emotionally heightened situations, not just, “sorry I didn’t mean to bump into you just then.”) In accepting an apology, I do not see how to continue on past that actually. Like, “Okay, I accept your apology, but that doesn’t mean I can act normal around you again.” This coming from someone who actually has never mended a real broken relationship (except for one sorta, which I have no idea how that happened… probably because I have no idea how the relationship really started to begin with and I am rather blurry on what the actual context of the relationship really is/was.. oh right, I fell in love with him rather suddenly, I don’t know why…moving on…). I don’t know what else to say other than, it is over when it is over unless I can somehow manage to dream it back to life. But if I can do that, I’m obviously not over it.