In a brief moment of despair at not being in love for far too long, I summoned up my favorite lover from my memory. After dancing the softness of his skin and reliving the sparkling spot in my soul where his memorizing eyes met mine, I finally remembered what it felt like to be in love again. For a brief second the portal between us opened again, long enough for me to whisper “but i love you…” Swooning once again in a state of ecstasy, he awoke from my spell, “Mareks…Mareks, darling are you still there?” said a sweet voice over the phone. “Hm, hmm, yes yes, uh blue, blue is a great color for the guest bedroom, look I’ve got to go, I’ll call you back when I’m on my way home” he replied….”Love you too….cheers….bye”. He nervously stood up and looked out the window over Sydney Harbour. He remembered too.
Crush always likes to slam into me like a 30 foot tsunami. I just don’t know what hit me and I don’t see him coming (no pun intended). His desperation for a home is a result of my desperation for autonomy. I say he is “desperate” because his fancy takes such a wide variation of forms, so wide that I couldn’t possibly choose just one. I love them all (all meaning foreign ones, domestics are just pass times). He makes me love the way they speak, the words they say, the tone they use, the stuff I would normally shun, the actions they so easily express without asking…I love it all. I want to take it home with me. Nurture it and live off it to the point where I am completely dependent on it.
Sadly crush doesn’t stay in one place for long. His constant shifts sadden me. But in my deepest, darkest despair over what I can’t have there is always a little light checking in. He feeds me attention when I least expect it. He actually gives me hope…. but I think it is just crush in friend’s clothing…
My words are ink blots, designed to play upon the very essence of what my readers want to hear. Sadly, I have neither granted wisdom beyond what they already knew, nor I have provided them with insight beyond what pieces they had already put together. Whatever it is that they seek they will not find here. But what of me you ask? What do I see in it all? in every word I see his bright blue eyes peering down at me in first sights spark, I feel his arms toss me into the sky only to catch me in his bed of roses, I hear his foreign voice resonate through my mind in a harsh language spoken so sweet, I see that smile that was only for me that night he took me to watch the Emerald City’s lights, and I feel my heart start pounding again like it did when he put his palm to my chest and astonishingly said, “you have a pulse.” In the divine, star-crossed madness of it all, I have to catch my breath and smile because I can still feel him pulsing through my veins.
A friend of mine sat on a lawn chair in the pool area of our apartment building, leaning forward with his head in one hand and a cigarette in the other. He hadn’t taken a puff of his cigarette for a few minutes so his cigarette looked more like a long ash stick than an actual cigarette. I approached him cautiously and said, “Hey Frank, what’s up man, rough day?” startling him out of deep thought, he jumped and once he realized who I was he mumbled, “Oh, Rob, hey man, what’s up?”
“You don’t look so good, what happened?” I asked.
“Oh my girlfriend blew up last night.” He said.
“Another one?!?” I asked amazed, “Isn’t that the third one this year?”
Yeah another one and, no, fourth one this year. Remember I had two in January. That was a disaster also,” he said throwing his hands in the air and slapping them down on his thighs, “I thought that if I have two on opposite cycles of the month then I wouldn’t have to wait around for them to, you know, be in the mood. It worked out great for the first month but I couldn’t afford the maintenance, then when I kept getting their preferences confused, like which on likes wine and which one likes beer, they both exploded…. But I didn’t even see it coming this time. I don’t get it Rob,” he continued, “I read the manual three, even four times and followed it exactly.”
“What model did you buy?” I asked.
“The Edu…educated Showpiece 5000,” he replied with a stutter.
“Holy shit, Frank, no wonder! Why you messing around with such an advanced model? You got a 5000 series with an education package?” I exclaimed.
“I know, I know, but I’m just sick of the dumb ones,” he said sucking on his cigarette, “I didn’t realize that the education packages think so much, I just thought it just makes conversation and advice better.” He explained, head bobbing low, “I didn’t realize that I actually had to put so much effort into them.”
I hate to say it man but that’s advanced material,” I responded, “I’ve never bought higher than a 3000 series, I like to keep things simple. Actually I’m happier with the 2000 series actually, they don’t analyze my behavior so much and it is much easier to persuade them to do what I want them to do, ” I trailed off realizing that my words weren’t really helping.
“Now I have to start all over,” Frank mumbled head in hands again. “Build the whole relationship from scratch, if only they didn’t cost so much money.”
“Well, just try being single for a while then,” I replied.
“No, no, I’ve tried being single before, it messes with my mind man,” he said with wide eyes, “suddenly everything in the world has a sexual connotation. This one time I walked into a grocery store to return something and the cashier was talking to me in plain English but I didn’t get what she meant.”
“What was she saying?” I asked
“She said something like, ‘This is past the return DATE sir, we have to GO OUT to the warehouse and speak with my manager. Most likely she will approve it because we like to keep up good RELATIONS with our customers. COME along.’ Then she had me follow her to the back and all I could focus on was her….”
“I hear ya, you don’t have to give anymore detail…” I interrupted while tapping him on the shoulder, “but hey, lets go grab a drink, take a load off. I’ve had girlfriends blow up on me before too, it always sucks at first but, hey, it’s a learning experience, that’s why you try different models. You’ll get it down…”
“yeah you’re right,” he responded as he got up to head off to the local pub with me.
While walking out of the pool area we saw smoke flowing out of a second floor apartment where a couple was arguing on the balcony.
Suddenly the man on the balcony yelled, TAKE COVER!!!!” instantly we jumped under the nearest table just in time to hear a loud BOOM BOOM BOOOOOM. As the shards of plastic and metal wires rained over us, I said, “See, you’re not alone.”
With many things, except money, I often do not dread the worst-case scenario the most. I dread the mediocre scenario. This is because if the worst-case happens, I am pretty damn sure that I will not go do it again. I will rationalize all sorts of reasons for why that particular “worst” is definitely not going to enter into my paradigm ever again, and I will build coping mechanisms (i.e. habits) that ward against these defined “worsts”.
But after having gone through a mediocre scenario, the passion derived from the “worst” escapes me. I have no real reason to repeat and no real reason not to repeat.
It is like a bad date, I know I will never see and/or date the guy again because of the disastrous events and feelings associated with the date, but at least I have a funny, drama filled story to tell. But a mediocre date, oh god, I could be doomed to repeat the same vanilla over and over in my efforts to force some value or at least a tickle of a feeling of excitement. But that is just one example.
The point is not to avoid the mediocre, it is to know what mediocre means and to learn from it sooner, rather than later. Identifying the mediocre makes the exciting shine.
Every once in a while I come across people with certain characteristics that I want to experience more of. Often times it is because their manner of exchanging communicative signals and social games is similar to mine, so the conversation keeps going even if nothing of useful substance is actually being said. And key, we both enjoy it, or seem to, because we keep doing it.
Infatuation evolves out of wanting to interact but not being able to get enough of the interaction. So the mind essentially improvises, to my dismay. Now the person ceases to exist to me in their real form. I unknowingly create an extra-added layer of perception, which I end up rationalizing as real because my mind is great at making up perfect scenarios to fulfill the excess emotion that isn’t properly stimulated by the external world. It creates confusion between whom I’m actually thinking of and whom I’m actually in the presence of. This makes me nervous, because I start having difficulty acting normal since I don’t actually know the person well enough to know if how I perceive them is actually how they are. Thus how I want to behave is held back in fear that I perceive the situation incorrectly. The remedy: to actually hang out with the person as much as possible until I find that one thing about the person that I absolutely cannot put up with. This dulls the emotional need to incorporate the person into my thoughts. Once they are out of my thoughts, I’m free of the person I was hoping they would be.
Girl: I’m bored, tell me a story.
Boy: Once upon a time I got a sunburn aaaand a midnight craving for fruity pebbles.
Girl: I got a sunburn too… it feels awesome! But that can’t be the whole story
Boy: And now I’m trying to alleviate the burn by soaking in an Epsom salt bath….
Girl: Exciting times I see…
Boy: I need a little inspiration
Girl: Come on, you’re the one in the entertainment industry! You’re supposed to, ya know, entertain me.
Boy: Yes, now if I start entertaining you from the tub that represents a whole other side of the industry.
Girl: Is that salt stuff bubbly?
Boy: Bubbly if you make it right
Girl: Fizzy? Scented? Did you light candles for yourself? What about mood music?
Boy: I sing, does that count?
Girl: eh…a few points, how long are you spending in your romantic bath tub?
Boy: why until the candles burn out of course
Girl: the sun burn can’t be that bad
Boy: True but the bath is nice… and the company isn’t too bad.
Girl: How many people are in there with you? Now I want to take a bath, but I’m more of an oatmeal bath kinda girl.
Boy: Ha, just me and the phone. Don’t be shy hop in if you wanna take one.
Girl: Alright, in I go! You’re right, it is kinda bubbly, I even brought my bath crayons to draw on the walls with.
Boy: I didn’t know they even had those
Girl: Perfect for tic tac toe, or hangman, or drawing on your face. Green eye brows really suit you.
Boy: Please, like I’d even let you start playing with crayons
Girl: Naw, you’d hog them all
Boy: Especially the green one
Girl: I could always swindle a trade for it.
Boy: Ah but I’m holding all the crayons, so what’ve you got to trade for?
Girl: Fine, I’ll get out of the tub
Boy: How Come?
Girl: Give me the blue and red and yellow and I’ll stay
Boy: No, you can’t just give up and earn three cool colors, I’ll give you white, brown, and yellow to sit back down and stop trying to leave.
Girl: I’m not even worth one cool color? Okay I’ll take them, but move over you’re taking up all the space.
Girl: Ha, Ha I stole the blue
Boy: Well squeeze in, get friendly and jokes on you. That’s just a fake plastic one.
Girl: Bastrad you’re right!! But how and I going to draw the sky without the blue one? ☹
Boy: Gotta make a trade
Girl: How about…hmmmmm.. I’ve got nothing, can I just borrow it and I’ll give it back with interest?
Boy: Don’t sell yourself short, you’ve got plenty to offer!
Girl: alright, I’ll trade the blue for my necklace…
Girl: but its an emerald!
Boy: Pass, what else ya got?
Girl: A beauty mark on my butt crack….
Boy: Which I noticed as you got in and its nice but that’s not really something you can trade
Girl: Damn it, how about this yellow floating duck?
Boy: Already mine
Girl: Liar! Fine, I don’t want the blue anymore. I’ll just use the white to draw the night sky with all the constellations because I’ve been hiding the black crayon!
Girl: Call it what you want… I’m busy drawing Taurus….
Boy: That’s me!
Girl: You’re not the only one! Can’t hog everything to yourself!
Boy: Guess you didn’t really want the blue…
Girl: Well I’m going to have to draw the sunrise eventually… please may I have it? For a kiss on the cheek?
Boy: It’ll cost you a bit more than that
Girl: What?!?!? That’s a good offer for one color!
Boy: For blue? Better pucker up and make it a good one!
Girl: Okay, but I get the crayon first. I have to make sure you’re not giving me another fake!
Boy: You can put your hand on it, but I still keep a good grip until the deal is done…simultaneous exchange
Girl: Well it feels like a real crayon, okay. MUAH! Hey! I didn’t agree to any tongue action! For that, I get blue and red!
Boy: Blue and red what?
Girl: Crayons! Don’t act like you don’t know, cause you do!
Boy: I forgot about all those things… and we never discussed the duration of the kiss.
Girl: That one wasn’t enough?
Boy: Fantastic but now I’m hooked…better run for it if you know what’s good for ya….
Girl: Yeah I was going to tell you the same thing.
Boy: HMMM I’m not scared, see I told you the bath company was good.
Girl: You will be… thanks for the red, I’ll give you a better kiss for the green….deal?
Boy: Done. I’m too easy
Girl: Yes! I’ve got them all!!!
Boy: The End. Good Story?
Girl: Yes, Thank you! You might want to get out of the bath, its freezing!
Practically two weeks after getting my number, Chase finally called me. I don’t know what took him so long, maybe he was busy or nervous, perhaps I scared him off somehow, or he never intended to call in the first place, regardless, he finally called on Saturday.
“Thinker, Hi, it’s Chase,” Came the somewhat reserved voice over the line.
“Hey, Chase, What’s up? You finally called,” I responded.
Nervous laugh, “Yeah, I did, I uh, I’ll be down by the Beach today and I just, I just want to see if you’re free later to go do yoga on the beach for an hour or so,” he said.
“Today?” I quizzically repeated back to myself as I fumbled for my planner.
I opened my planner to see what I have going on, “Oh let me see,” I whispered to myself. “Okay,” I told him, “I have a test to study for, but I’m sure I can make time to hang out for a bit.”
“That’s great!” Chase said.
Later that day:
He picked me up from my place as planned. It was slightly awkward because I’ve never really hung out with him before, but he’s a cool guy so I managed to feel comfortable.
I don’t know if it was morning or evening; most likely it wasn’t the middle of the day because that would have been too hot. Regardless it was fun to hang out with a guy who would legitimately do yoga with me for once. He even showed me some of his Kung Fu moves.
In actuality, Chase hasn’t done any of that yet….
Every once in a while I run across a guy who thinks that just because I make some sort of witty comment back at him that I am flirting, or that I am playing some sort of word/communication this-means-I-like-you game. Without knowing my personality, they must assume that I reserve this behavior to someone I am interested in. In this situation (lately it happen to be sailing class where I was stuck on the boat with this guy for 6 hours three Saturdays in a row) no matter what I did I couldn’t escape the guy. If I commented back, he would make it into a bigger scene for the rest of the classmates to witness and if I remained silent I still heard my name being annoyingly tossed around. Even after I declined his drink offer, nothing changed. I can only attribute this behavior towards me to my singleness, because he wasn’t harassing the married girl on the boat. But maybe if her husband wasn’t there he’d’ve harassed her as well.
Boy invites Girl over to his place. He drives her there. He drinks too much and so cannot drive her home until morning. He instructs her that he will get her home in time for her to get ready for work and be on time. Girl is hesitant, but in light of the alcohol, understands the reasoning.
Conveniently his bed is the best place to sleep. He insists the set up is honorable.
The first time this idea is pitched to you, you just think it all kinda makes sense….
The second time…. you’re pissed off that you didn’t realize it was a known, tactful maneuver. If you had known of this before the first time….you would have saved yourself from the hellish pits of deep confusion.