I often sit and daydream about how it all could go wrong. I could get a devastating disease, special people could suddenly cease to exist, or someone could undermine my efforts for stability and longevity. I guess those are the main categories to fear and ruminate over how I would handle myself through various survival mechanisms. It is one thing to dream up horrifying situations, yet it another when a perfectly rational individual believes that the moment they fear the most is actually happening and could lead them to the devastating end or life situation that they dread most. But that thesis is best saved for a different essay.
In remedy of these intense periods of anxiety, I try to think of equally horrifying situations that I wouldn’t be afraid of. Through this procedure, I have learned that there are horrifying things that I wouldn’t be so devastated over if they actually happened so long as none of my choices were a contributing factor to the outcome. For example, getting an STD would be much worse than having breast cancer considering that the former involved some sort of break down in my decision making, whereas the latter is probably a result of nature being out of my control. Though I guess you could add the nature argument to both cases, but it is clearly more heavily weighted in the breast cancer example unless I willingly to walk into a high radiation zone, which is highly unlikely despite my extremely over-active imagination.
My intense habit of dreaming up bad situations stems from bad things that happened in the past which I felt totally unprepared to properly deal with in the moment. Like all those situations where after the fact you think of all the perfect things you could have said that would have been much better than what you actually said. It is those moments that haunt me because of their sudden heightened occurrence that forced me to deal with everything that was happening in the moment without break or proper time to think it through. All I had on me at the time were the only resources I was capable of using, and even then I wasn’t even aware of all the tools at my disposal.
These situations have caused me much misery over the bad way in which I believe I handled the situation and in this jungle it seems as though my mind needs more training on how to more properly deal with them when they come along again in the future. Until then, I’ll traumatize my inner world in hopes of not feeling so traumatized from the outside world.
I’m not sure what it is about it that makes me think that I’d rather not belong to something that I have no choice but to be apart of. Much of it has to do with the apathy that fills in the gap between when you’ve just been introduced and before you realize that you actually have something in common. Being stuck in that point for a long period of time just makes me wish I had something better to think about. But that is the thing with meeting and getting to know new people. They are always this figure of light in the shadows, smiling and talking, but nothing makes sense, there is no connection other than the fact that you happen to cross paths.
From my prospective, I tend not to have any noticeable holes to fill until I start to make room for someone, then I realize that it is worth making room and it flows from there. But to have made room and then realized that they’re blocking another door is troublesome. Especially when they bring their friends into the mental sphere and cannot help but show how much more in love with them they are than they are with me. Not everyone does it, so why do some do it? Do they not realize that I’m sitting here wondering when we’re going to exist together in the present? No, probably not. That’s why it doesn’t work, there are too many of them on the periphery, too many comparisons, too many that came before, and too many to take in.
Information overload and “I’m exhausted, leave me alone”. I know to stick to my own introverted kind, but it is the extroverts who speak up and question me and suck me into their world. They enjoy the seeking as much as I enjoy being found.
Lately I’ve been getting really excited about my plans, then walking away from the event feeling rather, well, bored or let down or like I just wasted my time or wasted someone else’s time. I’m not sure what the problem is. I’m excited to get out and do things, but I just don’t seem to have as much fun being out as I do when I’m home doing my own thing (practicing the drum, working on dance moves, reading, listening to songs over and over and over again). I don’t feel closed off, like I’m totally willing to be talkative, but I guess there really isn’t much going on that I can expressively share aside from the usual routine of school and work.
The problem is that I don’t have anyone to dance and play the drum with: those two things are literally all I want to do. I can’t even imagine having someone to dance and play the drum with. Like I’m not even sure I would enjoy that because when we’re not dancing and playing the drum I’d have to entertain them (they’d be house guests obviously) so then I couldn’t just naturally move from one activity to another without running a plan by the person. My free time is either doing what someone else wants to do or doing what I want to do… I have a hard time compromising because another person’s presence takes up space in my brain and diminishes the enjoyment of my usual alone time routine because I start feeling guilty that I should be doing more to entertain them. Which usually leaves me feeling even worse because I’m not very good at entertaining people who can’t entertain themselves.
I’m tired of feeling bad after situations that were meant to make me feel happy. Like those people who talk really big about cool plans, but never actually implement them, or if they finally do, it isn’t until way after my excitement over the idea has dissipated.
Or even worse, feeling bad because I realize the happiness was only a momentary disillusionment from reality….like “Damn it, there are other things to consider, and those other things really bring the whole idea down.”
Sigh… everything has this filter over it today. Aside from my school project (my abilities there left me confident and pleasantly surprised) the rest of the outside world just isn’t doing it for me. I finally step out of my bubble and end up seeing no point in being there.
There was a point, rather far in the past, where I was extremely jealous. This point in my life always comes back to plague me because nothing was actually solved at the time, I was simply “forgiven” for my horrifying emotion and all continued on with this situation pushed under the rug of our minds. My previous ponderings of jealously have lead me to believe that whenever I feel jealous, it is a signal that something in the relationship (whatever kind of relationship) isn’t actually working for me, and the emotions are just projected onto another party to formulate a cause for the emotion. The cyclical aspect of this is exactly what doesn’t make sense about it. But it was all I could come up with at the time.
Further pondering has lead me to a different approach, one that presupposes the jealousy. For this particular situation as well as an unfortunate second, I made one rather large error. That error being that I was under the impression that specific actions towards me were under the definition of the relationship I was in with said individual. In actuality, those actions were being given to me as if I was just an ordinary friend. Like, I thought something specific meant something special, when it really didn’t. Which explains why, when another person was treated in said manner, I was a little more than butt hurt about it. But then again, said individual was rather opportunistic… so I think this whole thing is an even bigger waste of my time. Yeah, I’m not even going to finish this thought for you.
At some point in time you realize that the ideas and opinions you learned from other people are just other people’s ideas and opinions that you learned from them. You can essentially unlearn them and be no worse off than if you had continued to assume they are the best way of approaching certain aspects of life.
The unlearning process is kinda fun, well, it is once you get over the initial stage of realizing what an idiot you were to actually thinking some ridiculous ways of viewing the world were actually a good idea.
I think the best part of unlearning is confronting the reasons you had in the first place for learning something from specific people. Sometimes I was just forced to put up with a person’s opinions because I wanted to hang out with that person and thus, through repetition, learned to agree with their ideology. Or I just thought the person was so cool and interesting that I just naturally uploaded aspects of them. Regardless, once life alters course some of the information learned from past people isn’t applicable to life anymore, and that is the point where I see faults in preconceived notions. Finding fault in things is definitely a sign that I have grown out of old ideas, otherwise I wouldn’t be aware of how it doesn’t fit into my way of thinking.
It gets funny when I put two and two together and see the bigger picture of why other people formed some of their ideas back then. Often they were out of some sort of rebellion or addiction and the person just happened to be so adamant about their perceived rightness over the subject that there was no real need or reason to question them. The funniest one is the alcoholic explaining why being sober is so unappealing and why people who don’t drink much are boring. But now I just can’t help but laugh because I used to get so bored drinking and being stuck at someone’s house all night. No wonder I would fall asleep early at gatherings…. I was bored and trapped in my drunken state of mind without the ability to safely drive myself to a more exciting location. Then ‘d spend half the next day recovering from a hangover instead of actually getting out and doing something active. I didn’t seek out something better to do because I’d be going away from what my crowd was doing. Now I realize that there are way more productive ways to spend my time that make me feel like I am accomplishing something as opposed to doing what someone else wants to do because I feel like I need to spend time with this person to be their friend. I guess I learned to enjoy hobbies and have yet to find a reason to unlearn that.
I want to write but have nothing specific to write about. So I’m going to just ramble. I’ve been thinking about the lifestyle choices of some people and I do not understand their reasoning behind the big picture of what they are doing in life. Do they see a big picture? Some people do not care about the big picture. Other people seem to see opportunities as a waste of time or effort. I like to do cool things, so I tend to figure out what needs to be done to get where I want to go and start heading in that direction. I get really frustrated when other people do not care to do what it takes to get where they claim to want to go. They find so many excuses, excuses that often are valid in the short term, but amazingly deceptive in the long term. For example, people just freakin’ love to eat, eat, and eat some more. So people find all sorts of colorful ways to justify why they need to eat so much. Exercising seems to be the most popular excuse I have heard. “I exercise so I must eat so much.” no no no…you just love your food enough to harm yourself. People want to think they can exercise off all that food they are eating without having to adjust their lifestyle. Just find another hobby, like restructuring your habits. Imagine the person you want to be and just be that person, it takes practice, lot of practice, but I enjoy practicing so maybe you should learn how to enjoy practicing too. I get so tired of everything revolving around food as some sort of magical experience, when in reality people have some sort of fear of starvation and they just don’t realize that it isn’t a steady food supply that they are afraid of not having access to. I’m not so afraid of starvation as I am of poisoning (believe it or not). I don’t like people coming into my world and messing it up. Any new addition to life must make it better or easier or more delightful; I must be better off in some regard than I was before I accepted a new addition otherwise the silence grows. This isn’t to say that I don’t see the value in things growing over time, quite the opposite because I do enjoy the fruits of my labor, even if the undertaking of that labor did make life more miserable in the short run. Down times in life are just as inevitable as up times and I definitely will push through tough times as best I can, but I have to see what my effort is going toward. Choosing rebellions wisely is something not very many people are good at. Usually people just need to express some sort of power and the actual topic they choose to rebel against is the easiest to conquer and rationalize for them. They pick a sure bet that will get people’s attention. Unfortunately other people actually believe them. Being gullible is definitely a good reason to stay indoors… It is amazing once you realize who actually does not think for themselves. They think, and think a lot, but seem to always be seriously contemplating advice from horrible sources. It is sad when you come across someone like this because there is nothing you can do, they don’t dream to live it out one day, they just dream to make today easier to get through.
I have recently come across a few beliefs of mine that I have discovered to be false. Meaning something about life which I believed to be true isn’t and/or something about life I believed to be untrue actually is true. Also, I have come across something which I knew to be true, but didn’t want to believe it was true, so I assumed it couldn’t be true and tried to act upon principals which were erroneous in the end because it indeed is true. or so I have learned.
Often I disregard a harsh reality because the harshness is exposed only in infrequent and inconsequential instances. Meaning that I can continue on for quite a long time with a certain intuitive itch left unscratched because the situation has not grown to a large enough proportion to initiate action on my part. Then, the clouds part, I look to the sky with my hands up, and say “I knew it all along.”
Yes I am still learning, many things. At no point in life can I say that everything I have been learning has been learned and that I can start out fresh with a new set of things to learn. The more experience I accumulate, the more I manipulate them together in my tool box for use in current affairs. Which bothers me because some situations cannot be forgotten because of their shinning characteristics which will most definitely come in handy later, if not for myself specifically, but for someone else seeking help.
I have been to told to prepare myself for many possible situations, not because they will happen, but because things do happen to some people and I should make myself aware of signs to look for which indicate that I actually AM in that kind of situation…. and I should know how to handle them.
Most of my friends, I’d say, have cool friends… who I find fun to hang out with and get to know. But a few times in the past I’ve been stuck having to hang out with someone who I don’t particularly enjoy just so I can hang out with my cool friend. When put in that situation all sorts of thoughts run through my head. this included the thought that maybe my friend has horrible taste in people, then I realize that they have chosen me as a friend, so…. what does that say about me if they have horrible taste in friends? Then I realize that some people are just social whores who have a very basic definition of what a friend actually is and therefore have heaps of acquaintances whom they refer to as friends. Since I normally can’t function coherently in diluted relationships I rule out that explanation as well, because, I wouldn’t be there if I felt the relationship was diluted.
The worst though, is when one of those friend of friends points out things about me that they don’t like. All of a sudden my friend sees me through the prospective of their friend who obviously isn’t compatible with me otherwise I wouldn’t dread hanging out with that person. “yeah, you know what.?.?. You’re right, she is like that” my friend says to their friend. The conversation probably continues on as they build together their agreement about me- which serves as a private bond between them from which they are able to read each other’s silent facial expressions, in my presence, confirming their private conclusions about me.
At that point I realize that my friend whore is either not capable of monitoring their own influences or they are willing to find any reason under the sun to relate to their friend more, even that the expense of me. I have seen it both ways. The end result is usually my distance, which I don’t mind at that point because I will do anything not to have to hang out with that friend of my former friend, what a relief!
Another shitty thing is when a friend can only think I am as cool as his friends say I am. You will see this when you meet new friends whose friends have already heard A LOT about you, and I mean A LOT. Like these people can tell you about yourself for 5 drunken minutes. So there you are on your pedestal, freaked out because you’re only that cool to that one person because he fills a specific friend role for you and you tend to treat that archetypal role much different than people you just met at a party. So inevitably, you get a lectured later on what everyone at the party thought of you and/or what you should work on for next time as if you are socially challenged.
So it was my mistake I shouldn’t have subjected myself to these parties because I didn’t go to the party to hang out with THEM, I was there because YOU invited ME and I like hanging out with YOU. So cut me some slack for passing out early because the friend whores at your parties are boring.