Tag Archives: best of friends



I often confuse myself when I think too much about my opinions of the outside world. As a habit I filter things through my own point of view; I am empathetic. I see great value in this over-thought of what I perceive because of the oddly creative stuff that I find spewing out of my own head. The subtle connections (either real or imagined) provide me a great amount of entertainment in my solitary world as well as make me more self reliant emotionally. So you can say that this is a root factor in my enjoyment of being socially withdrawn. As a habit I see what is on my mind in the world and in what people say. For a while this was rather difficult to shut off, but now that I understand it and am better able to control it to the point that I can use it to my advantage in running “what-if analysis” before making a decision.

I cannot honestly say that I am always aware that I am not objectively interpreting a situation and wouldn’t be made aware until discrepancies start to formulate, only then would I go back and adjust my interpretation. I am not disturbed by this because I am not the only one who misinterprets situations based upon fears or opinions of people involved. The difficultly is proving to people that their interpretation is incorrect and that the meaning was misconstrued due to personal bias. At this point projection bias is then coupled with belief.

Belief can a dangerous thing if one is not willing to introspect objectively or one has no reason to take that extra introspective leap. Additionally, intuition steps in to oppose belief. Running two opposing programs, one in your mind and one fueled by outside parties usually brings action to a halt. Frozen by excessive thought about an over stimulating situation, I can only act as I would have acted if this event had not occurred. Pretty much play it cool until I figure out what the hell to do. So ly in your actions, go through the motions and pretend that all is as it was, pull it off and not even your best of friends will notice that you are facing an internal dilemma of rather large proportions.

Once an action has been made, it is rather difficult to convince people of what was going through your mind this entire time because people don’t realize that one can hide such a problem because they believe that someone wouldn’t hide such a thing. They believe in relying on everyone else to help you through dilemmas and that it is in fact everyone’s business. As if showing weakness is the only way to gain support and get people to connect with you.

All I can do is hope that I have gotten it right, and hope that my hope doesn’t just prolong the torment.

Unconditional Love

Unconditional Love

“At every moment of my life there open before me divers possibilities: I can do this or that. If I do this, I shall be A the moment after; if I do that, I shall be B. At the present moment the reader may stop reading me or may go on. And, however slight the importance of this article, according as he does the one or the other, the reader will be A or will be B…If the reader has resolved now to go on reading into the next moment, it will be, in the last instance, because doing this is what is most in accordance with the general program he has mapped out for his life, and hence with the man of determination he has resolved to be.” – Ortega

I sense that people put too much of their own well-being on the shoulders of others. We forget at times that the people in our lives are just that, people. They are living their own lives while expressing their compounded experience as it has affected them and just as prone to mishap and misunderstanding as anyone else.

Our social structure is lacking (there is much more to real life than what the TV has conditioned you to notice and react to). It is no ones fault. If we continue to place the burden of our own happiness on people’s reactions to us, we will most certainly be let down in some way, at some time. Why? Because there is no ‘supposed to,’ no one is supposed to do anything. Actions have to come from within and once a person is placed in a situation to ‘act’ on what is expected, disappointment will result either within the person who masks himself by conforming or in the social sphere that made the action a requirement for acceptance.

Then there comes blame. Should a friend not comply with the group standards he is blamed, most horridly, behind his back by those he once thought to be the best of friends. They aren’t the best of friends, if they were, they would sit down and work out with him what has caused this confusion, instead they sit in a circle with uppity fire behind their eyes, taking turns to spill out the green ooze of turning ones back on a close friend by each, in turn, sharing from their ‘oh so high and mighty points of view’ (keep in mind these are his condemners here, who believe that their methods and approached to life are by far the best!) why and how he has let them down. Are people so bored and pathetic that they must pick at living aspects of their surroundings for their entertainment and emotional highs?

How does this make sense? How can someone live up to expectations that you put on them? Expectations that you require as entry into your world, that are based on your own experiences… not his! Had you not expected those things of him, perhaps you would not have been let down and perhaps you would actually see all the times he was there for you. Who was there during all those times you just wanted someone to talk to, to listen to you, or to hang out with? Who was it that you drank with and laughed with and made memories with? Who was it? and now you sit there building your bonds of hatred against someone who has done nothing wrong, but simply been himself. Perhaps, if something went astray, he actually needs you to be there for him this time…and all you’ve done is just….talk….shiiit….

“Behind the bitterness…is concealed the belief that harmony will be reestablished of itself once evil has been ejected. [The] task therefore is purely negative: there is no question of building a society but only of purifying the one that exists.” – Sartre