I am drunk and in need of a rant. Just a regular rant and at the same time, not your ordinary rant. The distance between places seems odd to me. My brain just doesn’t really understand how far away distant lands are. In my mind, I can fall asleep and wake up elsewhere. Fall asleep in LA and wake up in Vegas. Fall asleep in San Francisco and wake up in Hong Kong. Fall asleep in North Carolina and wake up in Paris. And so it goes. The world is small in modern human terms. Life costs so much because we are programed to pay for it. People are annoying because we hang out with them even though we already can spot an annoying character within the first glance. My bed is comfortable because it is. Someone is gorgeous because of his accent. I don’t care about things because they don’t matter. I don’t watch TV. My world is better than yours because I live it. Old friends aren’t friends because they are full of shit in some way. If I could change anything about him, it would only be his location and hair cut…to start with…opps. perhaps that means I should just find another, or go back.
Sometimes it is just one comment that swings the pendulum. Maybe the trait was always there, it just happened to be directed at you for once. Maybe it will only happen once in a while but because of the extremeness of the comment you can’t help but to wonder if perhaps it was just the beginning of flood gates opening. In that case, it is cautious to steer clear of the river valley.
But it draws a line there and puts up a score board. How many times is the line going to be crossed before I don’t want to deal with it anymore? I just have to wait and see. But this is the problem I’ve had in the past: I wait and see for too long, so long that I’m so exhausted that I just want to shut the door and brick over the entrance.
I just don’t think I have a right to tell people that I think they are full of shit. Yes maybe it is just a phase and they haven’t realized how life has affected their personality contra to mine; I’m tired of waiting out those storms too. I wouldn’t want someone coming into my world and telling me I’m going about things all wrong, because I know- just as much as other know about themselves- that things are just fine and functioning enjoyably. People in themselves know what parts of their life aren’t optimal, they don’t need to hear how much worse those things are making it on people around them because there is probably not much they can fully do about it right now.
I’ve just lost the coping skill that should enable me to think of social bullshit in a non-momentous way. Why am I even thinking of it at all? Why can’t I just let it pass and not feel like I need to prepare myself for it to happen again? Because it happens a lot and I can’t have a good time when I’m constantly having to watch my behavior or words to shelter myself from some sort of attack.