Tag Archives: maneuver

The Apology

The Apology

Apologies have so much power. I love apologizing to someone who as just lost a couple points of my respect just to see how they take it. It is funny to see how their whole attitude changes all of a sudden. It went from a situation where no one had yet admitted fault and both parties have looming thoughts of “oh shit, I hope I’m not going to be in the doghouse for doing that,” to “yeah, you did mess up, but it is okay I forgive you.” Whoa, just because I apologize doesn’t mean you didn’t mess up either. And I know you know that you were no angel, but you’re not that smart to have fooled me into disregarding your rather ridiculous behavior.

The funny thing is that I am not talking about one specific situation here. I have a couple in mind actually, all with different parties involved. Taking the blame, to cite a useful example, is actually a very powerful maneuver when I intend to no longer upkeep a relationship with someone. They walk away all proud that they were right (silently thanking god that I didn’t call them out of their fears) and assume, for a while, that my silence is an indication that I am somewhat shy about crossing their path again, leaving me plenty of time to move along with my life without bother from said individual. (Note: this doesn’t apply to you if I still talk to you, and it took rather monumental incidents to illicit this type of extreme I am referencing here, but this was a natural reaction out of me before I realized that it causes problems leading to further analysis in hopes of finding a better way of reacting to such situations).

Sounds harsh, but that’s the difficulty in accepting an apology from someone else. (I’m talking about real apologies from real emotionally heightened situations, not just, “sorry I didn’t mean to bump into you just then.”) In accepting an apology, I do not see how to continue on past that actually. Like, “Okay, I accept your apology, but that doesn’t mean I can act normal around you again.” This coming from someone who actually has never mended a real broken relationship (except for one sorta, which I have no idea how that happened… probably because I have no idea how the relationship really started to begin with and I am rather blurry on what the actual context of the relationship really is/was.. oh right, I fell in love with him rather suddenly, I don’t know why…moving on…). I don’t know what else to say other than, it is over when it is over unless I can somehow manage to dream it back to life. But if I can do that, I’m obviously not over it.

Learning the Hard Way

Learning the Hard Way

Boy invites Girl over to his place. He drives her there. He drinks too much and so cannot drive her home until morning. He instructs her that he will get her home in time for her to get ready for work and be on time. Girl is hesitant, but in light of the alcohol, understands the reasoning.

Conveniently his bed is the best place to sleep. He insists the set up is honorable.

The first time this idea is pitched to you, you just think it all kinda makes sense….

The second time…. you’re pissed off that you didn’t realize it was a known, tactful maneuver. If you had known of this before the first time….you would have saved yourself from the hellish pits of deep confusion.

Getting Back to Me

Getting Back to Me

I got back a piece of myself just now…well a ‘piece’ isn’t quite right, more like: I got back a Zoroish mask of myself just now, perhaps a combining of masks actually….just let me explain, I’ll get to the core of this while I write. Throughout today the mask slowly assembled, it started with a phone call at the way too early hour of 9:30am, no wait….that was yesterday…or was it on Monday? Hmmm…so, okay the mask has been building for two or three days now. Moving on.

Larry and Adam called to see if I could come with them to pick up Adam’s car from the shop to bring it home. “Finally, an opportunity for some adventure,” I thought to myself. After working out the logistics of our intended maneuver, we succeeded in getting the ’76 Civic back to Adam’s house. The details of which aren’t as interesting as what the team effort brought out from inside me that hadn’t come out in a very very very long time. It felt great to do so simple of a task with friends who I wouldn’t trust with everything (i.e. driving my car), but that I know in which ways I CAN trust. This ‘CAN’ makes all the difference.

There is a lot of testing with newer friends that has already been accomplished time and time again in the older ones. We know each others strengths and each other’s weaknesses and it is exciting when we know how to overlap the two to cover for each other, in a seamless, high style fashion. It is just that feeling of being deep on the inside of relationships with those around me and not being so conscious of the connection and relation we have with one another. That was the first piece of my mask…lets say the right eye.

The second piece, the left eye, fell into place while talking to Lavina on the phone. I realized that I hadn’t heard her voice in almost 2 and a half years. And all I can say is that I felt like a fairy was hovering above my head sprinkling me with the most soothing, sparkling magic dust and it took me to new heights.

The third piece, the nose, fell into place while hanging out in ‘The Backyard’ tonight. I was back in action, fulfilling my old shoes (figuratively and literally speaking because I put on my old tennis shoes and some toes socks, I hadn’t worn close toed shoes in over a month, felt awesome and warm) while managing to bring in so many new aspects of myself that are now naturally coming out of me and fitting in nicely to the social matrix at hand.

At this point I could hold the mask up to my face and see through it, but it wasn’t until the strap that holds it on fell into place that I felt this extremely full feeling of being complete within myself.

There I was in my mismatching/striped toe-socks, with glasses on, my jeans constantly sagging down past my butt crack (all this yoga melts me), wearing a puffy blue jacket, and my hair in a pony tail, dancing in my kitchen using the back window of the house as my mirror, all while waiting for the kettle to boil water for my tea. I’m not sure how much time had passed in this classic Stephanie state-of-existing when the strap of my mask finally *snapped* it into place and held it there long enough for me to glimpse myself in the mirror, just being myself and honestly enjoying myself.

It is good to be back.