I got my mind from my dad’s side of the family. I know this because the only relatives who completely (and I mean without a doubt) understand me at my wildest edges of the English language are from that side of the family, specifically my paternal grandmother’s side, they also completely understand my contempt for 95% of people I meet (yes, most of you are socially annoying and you cover it up by getting even more in people’s private business, the thought that no one needs you is terrifying, the thought that no one needs us is liberating… we are a different breed and we love ourselves for it). That’s not to say that I didn’t get any aspects from the other three pieces. I definitely gain extraordinary abilities from he other sides. My magnetism for reading and overly advance practicality came from my maternal grandmother’s side. My hardworking ethic and royal blood (over sense of self worth once reduced to peasant status) from my maternal grandfather’s side. I just realized that I have never met a sole from my paternal grandfather’s side of the family (aside from my grandfather himself, who passed when I was 2)… I asked my dad and apparently they were all a happy family until he moved to California with his parents from Charleston, West Virginia to California in 1957. So I really am not sure what traits my mind has gathered from that side of the family. But judging from stories… my wandering eye definitely originated there…. but thanks to my maternal grandmother though, I’ve never felt the urge to cheat.
I just had a crazy dream that I was being held hostage. Like literally i just woke up and typed this… i’ll edit it later, maybe…. I just wasn’t allowed to leave. I remember the date was june 11th because the guy asked me if I we were doing something today and I asked, “why because it is june 11th or because we just need to go out. “what is june 11th? they guy asked. I just shrugged because I really didn’t know, but but i felt like he should, he said “June 11th is your day” or something like that. The guy kept coming and going and in the beginning we were in some sort of hotel and he kept going in and out of the hotel and there was someguy who was trying to catch himdoing something but was furustrated and showed me the data out of his machine and he still couldn’t catchhim doing anything . That guy eventually left. I think in the beginning theabusive guy was talking with my parents and they liked him. But slowly, by the june 11th point I was isolated. He bought other girls to stay too, and they thought they were better than me until I asked the other girls if the abusive guy had ever beatenthem and one girl described her situation just as I was remembering mine. He was hitting me with things. From there I was determined to leave and started gather all the keys to various houses. Then my sister brought my dog over and I had to try and figure out how I was going to get the dog out with me. I had already gathered my most prized possessions in a specific place and was hurrying try to collect more plastic keys that needed assembly so he couldn’t get into the place I was going. Then I look downstairs over the balcony and Hannah had just driven up she said “Woman!, just get in the car right now, let just go, lets just go.” I grabbed a pile of papers and money which were my most prized possession as well as what ever else I could fit in my arms, the other girls were in hannah’s car and we had to hurry because he was coming home. I couldn’t get in the car properly because she kept moving forward. I finally got in and the other girls in the back seat screamed he’s coming, he’s coming, just then he noticed that we were escaping and pulled out a gun and started shooting at us. At that point it turned into a comic book with just colorful scenes of us getting shot at in the car with bullets bending all around us, while we were being shot at in the car, the scene was being mixed with a past scene of when he had done something similar of killing a bunch of people before in some large mansion where the peole were running down the main foyer with seas of bullets passing them. Then my alarm clock went of even though it is a holiday and I can sleep in, all because I forgot to set the alrms to off last night.
-You take him to and from school
-He lies and tells you he needs a ride to school in the middle of the night so he can make it to class the next day….then calls you the next day hung over at noon (still in bed) saying he got too drunk after you dropped him off to make it to class.
-You are the one who convinced him to get braces
-He gets defiant when you tell him to cut his hair
-One day decides he has out grown you and takes off claiming to have “fallen out of love” but still wants to tell you what he is up to almost everyday and talk to you when he needs support
-When you tell him about your frustrating day he gets angry and tells you to stop complaining and do something about it, anything except complain to him.
-Tells you that it is ‘crazy’ to cry over a HUGE dent in your car that he put there which will cost you a lot of money you don’t have and he won’t work extra to help you pay for…. well not for 6 months at least
-He thinks that once he has done something then no one is as good or cool as he is until they do it too, but he didn’t realize you did most of this 6 years ago while he was in the nest still
-He declares his maturity by claiming to you that he wants no responsibility
-He claim independence by having someone else pay for him
-He claims that his memory sucks when you ask about sensitive topics
-You find yourself constantly going out of your way to see him
-After working and studying all day, then fighting traffic and finally stopping by home to pick up your stuff for the night while having a nice chat with your parents (who make you dinner and let you live in their house for free) he gets all butt-hurt that you are always late to come see him
-One stressful day he has a dinner gathering at his house and while you sleep a bit early because you have to work in the morning he stays up all night with some other girl and proceeds to express to you for the next week how cool she is
-Claims you are boring because you are bored with nothing to do at his place
-Insists that your favorite family vacation spot is an absolutely horrible place in the desert and finds any excuse to not go to the desert until he breaks up with you and goes there for a road trip with said girl from a few lines up and comes home to tell you how awesome the desert is.
-He doesn’t understand how you could no longer want to talk to him anymore
Since I’ve had the jolly of living the retired life along with my parents for the past too many months I have really realized how beneficial it is to take time to actually live my life as I would naturally do without all the external stuff stimulating me (job, lots of friends around, obligations, etc.), funny how in an instant I realized that I achieved yet another old goal that I had forgotten about. Something to smile about because now I can fully move on to other things.
Despite so many great books and stories written about people who go off away from their constant numbness of the life they’ve been thus far living, I don’t think people really realize what they are missing by constantly doing what is expected of them. A break from that really has done me well in restoring myself up to a fairly stress free platform, I owe that to the fact that I never got to the point of throwing everything away, I’ve managed to merely step aside briefly and continue on properly without being too haunted…. or if I am haunted by anything, I take pride in knowing that what haunts me is definitely a choice of mine that has allowed the haunting because I can use that haunting in my everyday life, such things drive people to be better people.
Perhaps I’ll move on to something that isn’t so obvious at least not to me at one point in time or another. I enjoy thinking about humans as if they are some other kind of animal… I ask myself, how are we like ants in an ant hill? like schools of fish, like a pack of dogs, like any animal structure really, and lately more so like a herd animal. Nietzsche was the first one who was able to explain this concept to me in a way that I understood the broad idea, not just know about it as one knows a trivia fact, but really understand it to the point of being aware of the aspects of life that are like living in a herd of animals. So what then? okay, I understand the comparison between humans and basic herd animals, what do I do with this new level of understanding how and why people relate to each other?
What I am going to do about something or how am I going to use it is the important part here. ‘Understanding’ is the foundation; to understand for me is to fully live this new understanding, to see it in the most basic aspects of life, like the beach, the mall, my house, etc. From there it is only inside of me and for my enjoyment, but now that I have embraced and felt this new way of looking at the world I cannot help but to express it, not just in a note like this one, but more by using it to solve problems and make things better. It is a systematic thing really, all done in the abstract screen of my mind; I zoom out on a situation and break down its fundamental parts and flaws then analyze its contents separate from each other, only then can I fully understand yet another underlying root in how things work. It is my method for being good things I do. Once you are aware of yourself can you actually apply it to other aspects of life, but those details from me are unnecessary, your life is far more interesting to you than mine is.
I read an interesting trivia fact that the human eye is pretty much blind while in motion, only when it is able to focus can it actually communicate to the brain what is in front of it. Our lives operate much like this. We cannot fully understand what we are doing or have done until we take some time out and mull over the pieces. Someone who is reading this says,” yeah duh, I do that on the weekend or vacations,” but dude, I must tell you that once you realize that you are doing what the rest of the people around you are doing, then you too are sucked in, and of course you like it, no one wants to believe that the system they have spent their whole lives striving for actually has very sick limbs.
Considering the education of the masses is only a few hundred years old, I’d say the most of us are still surfs or slaves only instead of directly beating us, we are ‘made use of’ by the constant usage of a higher power over us. Striving for happiness is how we have trained ourselves to stay in the mindset of slave or surf, work hard and give yourself up for the greater good of your life and you will be rewarded. I’ll win the lottery if I submit to this? brilliant, sign me up. Question to ask youself: are you blind to the fact you are in a herd and blind to the effect of yourself?
I have diagnosed a very simple reason for a very big cause of misery in life, which my be obvious to others, but since I tend to be completely oblivous to myself, I have just figured out my issue.
It isn’t that I expect the world to be stable and reliable, it is just that I was so accustomed to it being so. In my, more or less, predictable upbringing there really weren’t any sudden tragedies. Nope, not too many in comparison to those of the people I have met and those I enjoy having as friends. By the time some tragic situations hit me I was pretty much old enough to not be so affected by the ‘mystery’ of trauma and drama that affect children in a much different way than more adult-like persons such as I found myself at the time. The elderly, as well as those who were once our puppies, pass on, friends and lovers pop in and out of my bubble of existence (some in more dramatic ways than others), parents get ill and recover, etc. Other items of my life that would be labeled as unstable (many of which seem minor or rediculous to outsiders) have always been unstable and thus I find stability in those particular unstable cases, well, they are actually more stable, or at least reasonably so, in comparison to my life as it has been in Sydney and those times closely before.
My ‘baseline,’ that fortune has drawn for me, of what is stable and what is not, is the cause of some misery mentioned above. I have wasted countless hours recently lost with the most perplexed, twisted eyed look on my face over why my life doesn’t work out so smoothly as suggested by people, plans, travel itineraries, etc. Still I’m a bit wide eyed at where the epicenter of these mental and emotional earthquakes is seemingly located. Had I realized this sooner I could have been well past the point of needing to type this out and probably getting myself involved in something else that I wil probably only fully understand after the fact. At least if that were the case I’d be one step ahead of now, sooner, making my present more productive and even possibly more fun.
But moving forward, I’m suggesting that if I continue to rely on my external reality, like I was accustomed to for 24 years, I will become increasingly more unstable. I feel as though I’ve let too much of my emotions to be triggered and validated by the outside world, and it seems to be a rather big mistake that I increasingly keep making.
Realizing this, I’m not sure what to do. ‘ Trial and error’ still seems the way to effectively accept and reject the external pieces in life, but the ‘error’ part has to be the most disheartening aspect that I really don’t want to face anymore, or, at least, I need a break from. How many errors are the limit before I should throw my hands up and say ‘I’m done!’? How much instability and broken suggestions is cause for rejection? And what do I do when I have accepted something that fortune & fate is pulling away from me? I just think it is sad to find something so special and matching of my inner world and not be able to take it along with me in my travels.
Hopefuly more to come on patients, tolerance, and indecisiveness