It is disheartening to have such a long list of once thought of as potential all-stars. Usually once the draft is done and the teams have been finalized no one cares about those who didn’t make the team, everyone just focuses on how the chosen players perform. It isn’t the case with me because I chose them all and it was up to them to meet the minimum qualifications. I was honestly rooting for them to pull through for me. In most cases it was just one more thing, just that one more leap or jump that would pull them into the club, sadly that one more thing was the breaking point.
The order in which they arrive is what has done most of them in. The first few had few, if any, requirements to meet to at least get into the club. Over time they have either faded out or have been grandfathered in to the point that they can do as they please. But these new ones, these are the ones I worry most about. They always show up in shining armor expecting (or hoping for) an easy fight. Little do they know that I am not what I appear to be, because I do not want to appear to be what I really am. It is a battle of wits for me. If I can outsmart you, throw you a curve ball that gets you off track and leaves you immobilized, well then, you are not what I am looking for and I am happy for your silence. Thank you. Any approach whether conscious or by chance has to be in my right way and flow (from my point of view) naturally. That’s not to say without difficulty. Difficulty is fun because it implies learning and training to overcome it.
I am writing this because I’m disappointed in the losers; mainly because at some point I was really rooting to have them in my world. Unfortunately it was only an image of them that I was really rooting for. I was rooting for that image to either manifest or to be overtaken in the stricter sense by their own, true personality. The disappointment is fueled by their left over image in my mind which is left floating like a humming bird somewhere deep in my brain. “No,” I have to tell myself, “I have no way of knowing if that person actually exists because they won’t show themselves to me in a language that I can learn to speak.”