Tag Archives: point of view

The Ones Who Didn’t Make the Cut

The Ones Who Didn’t Make the Cut

It is disheartening to have such a long list of once thought of as potential all-stars.  Usually once the draft is done and the teams have been finalized no one cares about those who didn’t make the team, everyone just focuses on how the chosen players perform.  It isn’t the case with me because I chose them all and it was up to them to meet the minimum qualifications.  I was honestly rooting for them to pull through for me.  In most cases it was just one more thing, just that one more leap or jump that would pull them into the club, sadly that one more thing was the breaking point.

The order in which they arrive is what has done most of them in.  The first few had few, if any, requirements to meet to at least get into the club.  Over time they have either faded out or have been grandfathered in to the point that they can do as they please.  But these new ones, these are the ones I worry most about.  They always show up in shining armor expecting (or hoping for) an easy fight.  Little do they know that I am not what I appear to be, because I do not want to appear to be what I really am.  It is a battle of wits for me.  If I can outsmart you, throw you a curve ball that gets you off track and leaves you immobilized, well then, you are not what I am looking for and I am happy for your silence.  Thank you.  Any approach whether conscious or by chance has to be in my right way and flow (from my point of view) naturally.  That’s not to say without difficulty.  Difficulty is fun because it implies learning and training to overcome it.

I am writing this because I’m disappointed in the losers; mainly because at some point I was really rooting to have them in my world.  Unfortunately it was only an image of them that I was really rooting for.  I was rooting for that image to either manifest or to be overtaken in the stricter sense by their own, true personality.   The disappointment is fueled by their left over image in my mind which is left floating like a humming bird somewhere deep in my brain.  “No,” I have to tell myself, “I have no way of knowing if that person actually exists because they won’t show themselves to me in a language that I can learn to speak.”

Difficulty in Answering Questions About the Future

Difficulty in Answering Questions About the Future

I get nervous when people start heavily interrogating me about my point of view or what I want in life. Sure in an interview these are questions I can answer fairly solidly (or at least I think so because I’ve been hired), but just in everyday life from friends or coworkers I get really paranoid.

I begin to wonder “Why are they asking me this?” or “What difference does it make?” My difficulty with such questions is that people tend to use my answers to forecast some future event and they forget that life doesn’t pass exactly as planned and that perhaps events in the future may inhibit something I have planned from happening.

I think people get fixated on needing to know about the part of their future that revolves around me because of some difficulty in coping with how uncertain life can be.  Anyway I am hesitant to even answer some questions. Especially questions about what I want in the future. How can you receive answers to that type of question seriously? Sure I may want “A” at the moment, but that is because I have no idea that “B” will happen and make me want “C” more than “A.”

Do you see that there is no good answer to questions about the future? Life works like this: You have elements in life such as skills, knowledge, connections, past times, assets, etc. At any given point in time you have a finite amount of life elements at your disposal, therefore you will make decisions based on the present elements as a way of heading toward desired elements. But those desired elements, which you hope to have in your future, do not exist in your life now, and may never exist exactly as you postulate because you are only creating an idea about future life-elements based on the present elements you have in life.

You don’t know what else you are going to encounter that may make you change your plans and neither do your friends. So in trying to answering people’s questions about the future, you leave out the unknown, because that is what people want to hear. “Based on what I know now….I will probably do…blah blah blah.” Nod and smile and change the subject….

Then as time passes, you just go with the flow and perfect the art of collecting elements that complement who you want to be.

“Quality” as the Ultimate Argument Winner

“Quality” as the Ultimate Argument Winner

the idea that quality is always better. It is often better, but that doesn’t mean that it fulfills a need better than a lower quality item. Like my car is an American car, which some people say aren’t as good of quality as others, yet… I love it more than I would the typical silver M3 that almost everyone in Irvine drives. Maybe something is better and gets the job done better, but if that were the case, you wouldn’t have to shove it down people’s throats, they’d already see it and agree.

What many people don’t see is that the argument of quality can be a way to put down other people’s point of view. Like some friends in the past, I don’t know why, but everything I loved, they starting disliking, whether it be a music artist, my car, a favorite vacation spot, yadda yadda yadda, this person would always revert to the quality argument by saying that Bjork isn’t that great, my car is made of too many plastic parts, spending family time at camping in the motorhome a few times a year isn’t as good as one expensive overseas trip per year…. so I was ridiculous for loving these items too much. In reality, they just weren’t comfortable with the idea that we like different things and instead of accepting that, they continued to express how difficult it is on them that I enjoy some particular things so much. After exhausting myself by standing up for my favorite things, I simply hid my favorite things from that person, and it is no wonder we are no longer friends.

So I’ve learned to be careful when someone puts down things I love because it really doesn’t always have to do with the quality at all…. it is simply a mechanism people use to not have to deal with part of you that they perceive as a threat in some way.



I often confuse myself when I think too much about my opinions of the outside world. As a habit I filter things through my own point of view; I am empathetic. I see great value in this over-thought of what I perceive because of the oddly creative stuff that I find spewing out of my own head. The subtle connections (either real or imagined) provide me a great amount of entertainment in my solitary world as well as make me more self reliant emotionally. So you can say that this is a root factor in my enjoyment of being socially withdrawn. As a habit I see what is on my mind in the world and in what people say. For a while this was rather difficult to shut off, but now that I understand it and am better able to control it to the point that I can use it to my advantage in running “what-if analysis” before making a decision.

I cannot honestly say that I am always aware that I am not objectively interpreting a situation and wouldn’t be made aware until discrepancies start to formulate, only then would I go back and adjust my interpretation. I am not disturbed by this because I am not the only one who misinterprets situations based upon fears or opinions of people involved. The difficultly is proving to people that their interpretation is incorrect and that the meaning was misconstrued due to personal bias. At this point projection bias is then coupled with belief.

Belief can a dangerous thing if one is not willing to introspect objectively or one has no reason to take that extra introspective leap. Additionally, intuition steps in to oppose belief. Running two opposing programs, one in your mind and one fueled by outside parties usually brings action to a halt. Frozen by excessive thought about an over stimulating situation, I can only act as I would have acted if this event had not occurred. Pretty much play it cool until I figure out what the hell to do. So ly in your actions, go through the motions and pretend that all is as it was, pull it off and not even your best of friends will notice that you are facing an internal dilemma of rather large proportions.

Once an action has been made, it is rather difficult to convince people of what was going through your mind this entire time because people don’t realize that one can hide such a problem because they believe that someone wouldn’t hide such a thing. They believe in relying on everyone else to help you through dilemmas and that it is in fact everyone’s business. As if showing weakness is the only way to gain support and get people to connect with you.

All I can do is hope that I have gotten it right, and hope that my hope doesn’t just prolong the torment.

Jealousy Part I

Jealousy Part I

Jealousy obviously exists in many forms and contexts but I think people look at it most often from the point of view of the person who claims to be wrongly accused, but the person who is ill with jealousy has a very different story, one that should not be disregarded when viewing the situation from outside.

For me, at one point, Jealously was born out of being starved of what social nutrients I defined as necessary ingredients to be reassured that my relationship does indeed exist in the form that I had come to believe it did.

It is normal not receive certain actions from another party at times due to circumstance, but it is another to watch it be given to something or someone else instead of you. To be consistently reminded of this, carelessly compared, or told it is no big deal when you attempt to talk about what you are feeling only adds more negative emotions and ideas, including distrust, and the disconnection between what you are verbally told and what you physically see happening right in front of you becomes more evident.

As the actions compile so does the fear-driven paranoia. You have been told that you are misinterpreting the situation and that all is just as normal, but you cannot help but to understand that the mind is, if anything, a function of the body. A Function that has its own agenda to maintain and conscious reasons to maintain it, but it also does not have a consistent conscious awareness of everything happening in the body. So if the behavior continues either you are dealing with a mind that is completely unaware of it’s own body’s intentions or you are dealing with a liar. Either way, there is opposing data being received, one from the eyes and one from the ears. Personally I would rather loose my hearing than my sight, so you will understand why for me visual cues trump audio ones.

From there you start asking yourself, well then, if all the previously received reassurance as to the nature of this relationship is no longer reserved for me like it was, then I am not in the relationship I thought I was in. Not that change is a bad thing but if I don’t like this new multi-dimensional relationship, then hanging around just makes me the fool.

Future jealousy understands the fool in the end and thus inhibits a purpose in trying again.


/dɪˈzɜrv/ Show Spelled [dih-zurv] Show IPA verb, -served, -serv⋅ing.

–verb (used with object)

1.to merit, be qualified for, or have a claim to (reward, assistance, punishment, etc.) because of actions, qualities, or situation: to deserve exile; to deserve charity; a theory that deserves consideration.

–verb (used without object)

2.to be worthy of, qualified for, or have a claim to reward, punishment, recompense, etc.: to reward him as he deserves; an idea deserving of study.