An interesting topic to be find myself writing about on a Saturday night, but writing about it seems to be the only way to get it off my mind. Rework worries me. I realize that rework is a fact of life and the power to completely eliminate it often is not mine, but It makes me lose confidence in myself. Since I my current personal goal is to identify and work through all the situations that cause me yo lose confidence in myself, I must focus on rework.
Rework makes me feel like shit. Like every time something is passed back it is because of some fault of my own and I know that is not true. It isn’t always my fault and it doesn’t matter whether or not it is anyone’s fault. But I often blame myself, not cognitively. The emotional tidal wave hits first, leaving my mind to clean up the wreckage. It is a mess. When rework is presented to me I make all sorts of strange comments like, “I thought I checked that.” I have internal fears that like to suck glory from rework. Every question someone asks become so sort of validation of my fears. Luckily I am able to beat my fears off with sticks and direct conversations with superiors (who always tell me I’m doing a good job), but it took years of being exposed to the work world to get this far in my social understanding of the workplace.
I want to be better, and I think the only way to be better is to really take inventory of how often I am given rework and note whether or not it was an error of my own or a defect in the task process. Also it would help to note how often I procrastinate and subsequently forget what I put off. Sigh… it never ends….
There are just so many rules in social life to follow… too many rules! I know them all so well that I am aware of many many opportunities to to break them, but I don’t break them on the world stage. Instead I break them in my mind. I play out the entire scene for my own amusement and often detriment. Generally the penalty for breaking social rules is embarrassment. If perchance you happen to not get embarrassed then people go out of their way to explain why you should be embarrassed while giving you those looks meant to teach children to behave and conform. Having broken many social rules, I am conditioned to be highly aware of rules, so aware that I automatically leave social gatherings with a feeling that I did something wrong. It is an automatic response that typically lasts until I finish reviewing the event for validation of the feeling. On a good day this feeling doesn’t bother me, but if I have been stressed, hungover, or not feel particularly well, my ability to deflect irrational thoughts decreases and I become unable to shake it off. Dwelling in these irrational thoughts only makes me feel worse. Awareness of what is going on helps but doesn’t fully cure my episode of despair. All I can do is hope that my general sense of well-being returns to brighten my day.
Risk of being reduced to a stepping stone
Exposed to different peoples social rules and levels of what is polite. Also their own concept of time. Should one person feel that a week is a long time to go without some sort of validation of the relationship and you think a month is enough then the person with the need for a shorter interval for (not justification but…. What’s the word?) reassurance then the more secure person (assuming the ability to go longer periods of time without reassurance or change in the perception of the status of the relationship indicates less insecurity) must accommodate the insecurities of the other and add this action to the list of what friends are for. With insecurity comes a higher threshold for being let down. Those who are more secure and less in need of constant reassurance have stricter boundaries.