I often sit and daydream about how it all could go wrong. I could get a devastating disease, special people could suddenly cease to exist, or someone could undermine my efforts for stability and longevity. I guess those are the main categories to fear and ruminate over how I would handle myself through various survival mechanisms. It is one thing to dream up horrifying situations, yet it another when a perfectly rational individual believes that the moment they fear the most is actually happening and could lead them to the devastating end or life situation that they dread most. But that thesis is best saved for a different essay.
In remedy of these intense periods of anxiety, I try to think of equally horrifying situations that I wouldn’t be afraid of. Through this procedure, I have learned that there are horrifying things that I wouldn’t be so devastated over if they actually happened so long as none of my choices were a contributing factor to the outcome. For example, getting an STD would be much worse than having breast cancer considering that the former involved some sort of break down in my decision making, whereas the latter is probably a result of nature being out of my control. Though I guess you could add the nature argument to both cases, but it is clearly more heavily weighted in the breast cancer example unless I willingly to walk into a high radiation zone, which is highly unlikely despite my extremely over-active imagination.
My intense habit of dreaming up bad situations stems from bad things that happened in the past which I felt totally unprepared to properly deal with in the moment. Like all those situations where after the fact you think of all the perfect things you could have said that would have been much better than what you actually said. It is those moments that haunt me because of their sudden heightened occurrence that forced me to deal with everything that was happening in the moment without break or proper time to think it through. All I had on me at the time were the only resources I was capable of using, and even then I wasn’t even aware of all the tools at my disposal.
These situations have caused me much misery over the bad way in which I believe I handled the situation and in this jungle it seems as though my mind needs more training on how to more properly deal with them when they come along again in the future. Until then, I’ll traumatize my inner world in hopes of not feeling so traumatized from the outside world.
There was a time when my lapses in judgment caused me no great harm or worry so I didn’t attribute the cause of my action to lapses in judgment, things just happened as they happened. I usually enjoyed the outcomes of my judgment lapses with the attitude of “I cannot believe that just happened…wow!” Now I feel as though I have too much to lose by acting too strongly on impulse. The funny thing is that I’ve got less to lose than I did before, yet I feel as if it is more. This could be the result of my world being much more narrower now than it has been in the past, so greater weight is given to fewer aspects of life. Do I have a greater sense of responsibility?…. well, no not really, it is just that my choices tend to be only mine to make.
My worry about my judgment calls is causing me to narrow my world to extremely safe bets… if even you can call them bets. I recently realized that bad judgment calls come out of no where; going into them they appear to be perfectly reasonable things to do. Only when something bad happens is the judgment call considered bad. That is the trick, I don’t know how the situation is going to turn out, I can only base my projections on what I have experienced in the past, if I make a projection at all. So for the sake of accomplishing my goals I realize that I need to restrict myself from situations where I have experienced a negative effect of a judgment call. To clarify, I am speaking of extreme situations here from my more wild side. Don’t get me wrong, I intend to continue having heaps of fun, but I am just drawing a temporary line to keep myself on the right track.
Sailing is just so cool.
The weak minded are easily influenced by the opinions of other people whom they hold to be of better judgment or character than themselves. They often can easily hide behind confidence of intellect to mask their emotional insecurities. Justification for their actions is often sideswipe as unnecessary since there is most likely either no logical reason for their behavior to put into words or the logical reason is constantly deemed as a constant (which others are assumed to already know) by the mind and thus is never expressed directly. They apply salesmen desperation as hope upon outcomes involving people around them who depend upon them as fulfillment of their own typically social existence.
Rebellion is only a problem when it inhibits one from performing a seemingly normal everyday life and continues to push a person to make choices that continuous put them at a disadvantage to what they were perfectly capable of achieving. When the mind is sick with rebellion, it must rebel against anything identified as a social construct, out of shame from the fact that they, too, were sucked in and enjoyed it and also from fear that outsiders might actually figure out that their confident gait is hiding nothing more than a fool like they believe everyone else to be. Their constant rebellion, which may indeed prove positive at times, most often does nothing more for them than keep them running. This endurance depicts to the outside world that the runner is superior to what they are running from, that they understand it and thus have chosen wisely against such a thing, which can be anything, even a glass of water.