With many things, except money, I often do not dread the worst-case scenario the most. I dread the mediocre scenario. This is because if the worst-case happens, I am pretty damn sure that I will not go do it again. I will rationalize all sorts of reasons for why that particular “worst” is definitely not going to enter into my paradigm ever again, and I will build coping mechanisms (i.e. habits) that ward against these defined “worsts”.
But after having gone through a mediocre scenario, the passion derived from the “worst” escapes me. I have no real reason to repeat and no real reason not to repeat.
It is like a bad date, I know I will never see and/or date the guy again because of the disastrous events and feelings associated with the date, but at least I have a funny, drama filled story to tell. But a mediocre date, oh god, I could be doomed to repeat the same vanilla over and over in my efforts to force some value or at least a tickle of a feeling of excitement. But that is just one example.
The point is not to avoid the mediocre, it is to know what mediocre means and to learn from it sooner, rather than later. Identifying the mediocre makes the exciting shine.
I sat trying to read a book full of cool concepts but I couldn’t help but to internalize on all the memories that can finally come to mind without causing me distress. Well, I guess that isn’t true because if they no longer had a negative effect on me then the topic of them wouldn’t suck my attention away from the book I had set out to read. So, at least the horrible thoughts don’t completely incapacitate me as they once did.
It is annoying how crises often drive exciting times in life. But crises are often referred to as the catalyst for change. I see nothing wrong with that because crises happen all the time, the only difference is that for most crisis, I already have the appropriate coping mechanisms built up so they pass by without much left-over thought. For those crises that I am not prepared to deal with, I am cursed to constantly review and review and review and play out and play out and play out the events until my mind is finally a lean mean coping machine.
My problem with this method of learning is that I do not like the middle of the process where I am fully aware of the fact that I am in a state of turmoil with nothing but time needed to bring my mind back to a functionally healthy state. While waiting for my mind to get over it’s cold, confusion causes immobilization which in turn causes more conflict to arise out of the life situations that I now face in the aftermath of the initial crisis situation. In short, recovery is a long and arduous task and can only be accomplished by simply doing what it is I need to do to make myself realize that what I’ve gone through is actually normal, Fortune just had never swung her tiller so sharply for me before.
But afterwards, what is to be done when all evidence of some monumentous, now long past, occurrence in life is all but erased from my daily experience? Aside from the memories popping up here and there, things are calmer now, there is nothing to struggle against. Days pass by smoothly, people come and go, work gets done, new opportunities pop up to greet me, etc. I guess this is just what it is like to have let something go. But it feels weird to have once spent so long plagued by flashbacks in often silent despair, to now talk freely about all the details as if it were some sort of sitcom. Why did it take so long not to care about it? Why couldn’t I have been in this state of not caring sooner? I would be three years more advanced than I am now. Sigh, it is just the way of the cookie.