Tag Archives: hands in the air



A friend of mine sat on a lawn chair in the pool area of our apartment building, leaning forward with his head in one hand and a cigarette in the other.  He hadn’t taken a puff of his cigarette for a few minutes so his cigarette looked more like a long ash stick than an actual cigarette.  I approached him cautiously and said, “Hey Frank, what’s up man, rough day?” startling him out of deep thought, he jumped and once he realized who I was he mumbled, “Oh, Rob, hey man, what’s up?”

“You don’t look so good, what happened?” I asked.

“Oh my girlfriend blew up last night.” He said.

“Another one?!?” I asked amazed, “Isn’t that the third one this year?”

Yeah another one and, no, fourth one this year. Remember I had two in January. That was a disaster also,” he said throwing his hands in the air and slapping them down on his thighs, “I thought that if I have two on opposite cycles of the month then I wouldn’t have to wait around for them to, you know, be in the mood.  It worked out great for the first month but I couldn’t afford the maintenance, then when I kept getting their preferences confused, like which on likes wine and which one likes beer, they both exploded…. But I didn’t even see it coming this time.  I don’t get it Rob,” he continued, “I read the manual three, even four times and followed it exactly.”

“What model did you buy?” I asked.

“The Edu…educated Showpiece 5000,” he replied with a stutter.

“Holy shit, Frank, no wonder!  Why you messing around with such an advanced model?  You got a 5000 series with an education package?” I exclaimed.

“I know, I know, but I’m just sick of the dumb ones,” he said sucking on his cigarette,  “I didn’t realize that the education packages think so much, I just thought it just makes conversation and advice better.”  He explained, head bobbing low, “I didn’t realize that I actually had to put so much effort into them.”

I hate to say it man but that’s advanced material,” I responded, “I’ve never bought higher than a 3000 series, I like to keep things simple. Actually I’m happier with the 2000 series actually, they don’t analyze my behavior so much and it is much easier to persuade them to do what I want them to do, ” I trailed off realizing that my words weren’t really helping.

“Now I have to start all over,” Frank mumbled head in hands again. “Build the whole relationship from scratch, if only they didn’t cost so much money.”

“Well, just try being single for a while then,” I replied.

“No, no, I’ve tried being single before, it messes with my mind man,” he said with wide eyes, “suddenly everything in the world has a sexual connotation.  This one time I walked into a grocery store to return something and the cashier was talking to me in plain English but I didn’t get what she meant.”

“What was she saying?” I asked

“She said something like, ‘This is past the return DATE sir, we have to GO OUT to the warehouse and speak with my manager. Most likely she will approve it because we like to keep up good RELATIONS with our customers.  COME along.’ Then she had me follow her to the back and all I could focus on was her….”

“I hear ya, you don’t have to give anymore detail…” I interrupted while tapping him on the shoulder, “but hey, lets go grab a drink, take a load off.  I’ve had girlfriends blow up on me before too, it always sucks at first but, hey, it’s a learning experience, that’s why you try different models.  You’ll get it down…”

“yeah you’re right,” he responded as he got up to head off to the local pub with me.

While walking out of the pool area we saw smoke flowing out of a second floor apartment where a couple was arguing on the balcony.

Suddenly the man on the balcony yelled, TAKE COVER!!!!” instantly we jumped under the nearest table just in time to hear a loud BOOM BOOM BOOOOOM.  As the shards of plastic and metal wires rained over us, I said, “See, you’re not alone.”

Wanting More as Missing Something

Wanting More as Missing Something

The most lingering, absent objects in life seem to be those that I did not get enough of. For whatever reason I was inhibited from reaching some sort of full potential, which my imagination deemed possible, and I am left with an internal confliction which refuses to be laid to rest. At one end I am at the height of happiness with my previous experiences and seek to push them further (either in my mind or in real life). At the other end is the whole realization of why it is best that it hasn’t continued to manifest in this perpetual present time.

These two poles of the matter alternate, both with completely legitimate arguments on each side. When the happiness over the thought dominates, I am totally convinced by its outright charms… but slowly the happiness fades into more sobering thoughts….that only confuse the matter in my mind. The sobering thoughts seem so realistic and based on facts that, if true, tell me that my once perceived happiness over the matter is, well, not obtainable or not really possible. I tell myself that I must forget about it because too much is at risk of going wrong if I pursue what I have been missing. This logic, painstakingly, leads me to simply carry on with my current involvements of day-to-day living, with my hands in the air because I don’t know which side of myself is to be believed. Both ideas are extreme to the point where the only middle ground is to do nothing and wait and see what happens. If nothing happens I will be free of both sides…. if something does, I will have to fully face both of them…. I’m stuck in a binary box where the answer is either accept or reject and I have a binary opinion on both of those outcomes.

Words can mean so many things… even nothing. The driving force isn’t the words because they are only taken as harshly or lightly as the listener chooses to perceive them. The fact that they were perceived a certain way is what is most telling of intentions. If you want an answer you can find it whenever you like, but it can only be based upon what you already know bent to the limits of your imagination. The difficulty is gauging how far beyond normal the imagination has taken the story and what purpose does it serve to take a few random thoughts to mean such extreme possibilities?

I’m just disturbed by discomforting news and I didn’t want to believe it, because I was tired of being crushed.

How You Know a Relationship is Dying part III

How You Know a Relationship is Dying part III

Breaks from past times (school, work, social network, etc.) have an odd way of letting me finally come to terms with many facts that were swirling around in my brain for a long time. I could hypothesize about the timing of these ideas coming together in my mind with a typical “Why now? why not then?” hands in the air type of thing but Timing will have to be saved for another Note.

What gets me is how reality sets in once I look back on situations that I am no longer facing everyday or often. I see how the regurgitation and reprocessing of thoughts definitely causes me to trim the edges of my emotion spectrum, meaning, (in the extreme) if hate and love are at two ends of one spectrum, in time I both hate and love less due to a lack of renewal of once obtained stimulus in the present. With everything relying solely on my past interpretations of thoughts, (which, I am only bringing into the present out of my own need and necessity to reorganize them) the intensity of life in those past situations has no additional fuel from which to burn and thus the fire dwindles. I understand this in myself, I understand my own rates of emotional expansion and contraction because my mind is most certainly at their mercy.

What I don’t understand is other people’s understanding of what has been going on.

The problem with people is that they live on in our psyche and an image of them haunts our natural contemplation over life. Good or Bad, thinking about a person and continuing to react to that person when they are not around is quite creepy to me- now that I think more about it. Because I don’t know who I am to some people, I have no idea where they formed this method of reacting to me but sometimes I wonder if they are reacting to who I am or an image of me that they created in their heads while channel surfing. It is strange that we are all adults but many people cannot responsibly behave and communicate to each other what problems are. Most basic relationship problems are only bad if you make them bad.

I can only hypothesize that this happens because people are not taught to actually identify and solve problems. If one is unable to see how their own behavior contributes to a negative feeling and/or denies their responsibility in the matter then you have…. you have…. you have drama. Exactly the same shit you watch on TV only now, you can live the high life and experience that life for yourself because you are complacent enough to let your real life suffer for the sake of being able to tell your drama-addict friends, “Hey, that same stuff that happened on TV happened to me.”

So not only do people thrive off not solving problems to create more drama, to make it worse, people do no know that they do no know how to solve problems. They don’t see their behavior as a problem because part of drama formation is to be totally confident in one’s own rationale and finally let the person know in an intense arena with an audience as opposed to a more personal atmosphere…essentially they think that the way they saw a similar problem handled on TV is how they should handle this problem in their real lives. Not only do people let others continue to do annoying things…they invite them to do it and keep tabs…. I understand evidence needs to be gathered, of course, but within a justifiable time frame.

Once the tab is big enough, they see it as a time to throw down the gauntlet…. This isn’t problem solving my friends, and it isn’t honest friendship either, this is a manipulative power maneuver. Once that gauntlet gets thrown over an accumulation of past situations specifically where it is way, way obvious that you invited or pushed for a certain reaction out of me……then all I can say is that I’m not going to play this game anymore.