Tag Archives: long time

When Good Enough Isn’t Good Enough Anymore

When Good Enough Isn’t Good Enough Anymore

Often, when deep inside of life being a certain way, I, by habit, forget that it can operate in many other ways.   When running certain emotions I forget that the only thing that has changed is how I perceive situations, all else has kept running its course as if would if I weren’t present for it.  It is my presence that makes the difference when it burns the experience into my psyche.  It takes a long time to realize that what has been going on around me hasn’t been the only possible option, it has just been the option I was most willing to accept because, to get to this point, there was a certain level of accept and reject going on that lead me to where I am at the moment.

In review of my choice to accept an aspect of life that comes along to fill a need, want, or void, I find that I haven’t chosen the best.  I chose simply to the point that I wouldn’t have to be bothered by making more decisions on that matter.  This is simply a by product of having a lot to do.  I don’t have time to continue searching when I have good enough sitting on my doorstep.

This ‘good enough’ gets me by for a while but, after more of a while, it fulfills less and less of the intended void, leaving me to further fragment my existence by filling smaller voids which constantly open up because I can’t be bothered to part with the original ‘good enough’.

or maybe good enough was the best I could think of at the time and now, I can think of better….

On Culture Clash…

On Culture Clash…

For an eighth grade project, I had to build a miniature bridge out of glue and toothpicks with a boy in my science class.  Of course we waited until the day before the project was due to complete most of the work, so as you can imagine, I was in the boy’s large garage for quite a long time after school that day getting the project finished.

I wasn’t prepared for the long haul, so when his mother came home around 8pm with a whole bag full of sandwiches, I salivated at the thought of eating one.

As she walked by us, his mother said something to the boy in another language with a nod in my direction.

“Oh good!” I though, “She’s asking him to offer me one.”

I was right!  A few seconds later he asked, “Do you want a sandwich?”

“Yes,” I excitedly replied, “please!”   There was silence for a second while he gave me a quizzical look before replying back to his mother in their native language.

After his mother’s response, he told me, “Sorry, but in our culture it is impolite to accept food at someone’s house even if they offer it to you.”  His mother then handed him one sandwich.

While he took a break to eat his sandwich, I continued to work on the toothpick bridge as I planned my strategy to get home just in case they didn’t let me use their phone to call for my ride.

How you Know a Relationship is Dead

How you Know a Relationship is Dead

There comes a point in already damaged relationships where I realize that I am not equipped to deal with a person’s entire view of life and how they react to it. I realize that I have been treading water for a very, very long time because I had nothing better to do and the phone happened to ring.

My breaking point happened in less than one sentence. In those few words I found my out. I found the one thing that pushed beyond the limits and is in fact unforgivable. Not because I am stubborn, but because it showed me the hidden side, the frustrated side, the side that was unwilling to take my side.

Why? I can only guess. My guess is that someone just thinks it is okay to say such a thing to me because they learned to treat people that way at one point in time. And that is preciously what I am not equipped to deal with.

I have never had anyone say such a thing to me before because the people who care about me do not say such things. I see a bigger picture that actually has nothing to do with me personally. I just happened to provide an outlet for this type of dramatic behavior to play upon and of all the possible reactions that could have been played out, that was the one which was thrown my way. And I am relieved because I know I am no longer going to put up with it, I am finally done.

Figuring Out Which of My Beliefs are False

Figuring Out Which of My Beliefs are False

I have recently come across a few beliefs of mine that I have discovered to be false. Meaning something about life which I believed to be true isn’t and/or something about life I believed to be untrue actually is true. Also, I have come across something which I knew to be true, but didn’t want to believe it was true, so I assumed it couldn’t be true and tried to act upon principals which were erroneous in the end because it indeed is true. or so I have learned.

Often I disregard a harsh reality because the harshness is exposed only in infrequent and inconsequential instances. Meaning that I can continue on for quite a long time with a certain intuitive itch left unscratched because the situation has not grown to a large enough proportion to initiate action on my part. Then, the clouds part, I look to the sky with my hands up, and say “I knew it all along.”

Yes I am still learning, many things. At no point in life can I say that everything I have been learning has been learned and that I can start out fresh with a new set of things to learn. The more experience I accumulate, the more I manipulate them together in my tool box for use in current affairs. Which bothers me because some situations cannot be forgotten because of their shinning characteristics which will most definitely come in handy later, if not for myself specifically, but for someone else seeking help.

Coping Skills

Coping Skills

There are just inevitable situations in life that are so sudden and/or traumatic that recovery indeed takes a long time…. and actually you’re never the same person as you once were. This not only happens because you enjoy the new found “you” who has emerged out of your psyche to keep the body living, but also because pieces of you are in fact dead. Once over the mourning period, you get a new rigor and enthusiastically fill into your new shoes. Despite nature’s euphoria melting over your head, things still happen that can be stressful. Luckily the new you is well equipped to shrug off many incidents as normal errors in the process of discovery, but there are some situations that are not granted this stress-exempt status.

As with the rest of life, you find yourself simply reacting to these stress-situations as you would any other situation without realizing how much negativity you are actually piling on your shoulders. The effect of your push to maintain this new, more positive outlook is that perhaps too many negatives are overlooked and continuously overlooked and continuously overlooked, and habitually overlooked……

Then at some point your love affair with your new self fades and you’re back in the swing of real life. Looking back you can think of millions of happy thoughts to make you laugh out loud on elevators or completely space out in meetings…. but also there are those horribly unhappy thoughts that make me cringe with humiliation and dread.

My post traumatic life is filled with situations that haunt me, not because these situations were of any significance…. but because I have lost my ability to handle intense situations involving human interaction. I see people as way too complex for me because I can never know for sure what they really mean or what they are really thinking. My openness has caused me to get myself into situations that ended up being way more than I was told I was getting myself into. They are not all negative, which is worse because I can’t handle the fact that I can never get that love back.

How You Know a Relationship is Dying part III

How You Know a Relationship is Dying part III

Breaks from past times (school, work, social network, etc.) have an odd way of letting me finally come to terms with many facts that were swirling around in my brain for a long time. I could hypothesize about the timing of these ideas coming together in my mind with a typical “Why now? why not then?” hands in the air type of thing but Timing will have to be saved for another Note.

What gets me is how reality sets in once I look back on situations that I am no longer facing everyday or often. I see how the regurgitation and reprocessing of thoughts definitely causes me to trim the edges of my emotion spectrum, meaning, (in the extreme) if hate and love are at two ends of one spectrum, in time I both hate and love less due to a lack of renewal of once obtained stimulus in the present. With everything relying solely on my past interpretations of thoughts, (which, I am only bringing into the present out of my own need and necessity to reorganize them) the intensity of life in those past situations has no additional fuel from which to burn and thus the fire dwindles. I understand this in myself, I understand my own rates of emotional expansion and contraction because my mind is most certainly at their mercy.

What I don’t understand is other people’s understanding of what has been going on.

The problem with people is that they live on in our psyche and an image of them haunts our natural contemplation over life. Good or Bad, thinking about a person and continuing to react to that person when they are not around is quite creepy to me- now that I think more about it. Because I don’t know who I am to some people, I have no idea where they formed this method of reacting to me but sometimes I wonder if they are reacting to who I am or an image of me that they created in their heads while channel surfing. It is strange that we are all adults but many people cannot responsibly behave and communicate to each other what problems are. Most basic relationship problems are only bad if you make them bad.

I can only hypothesize that this happens because people are not taught to actually identify and solve problems. If one is unable to see how their own behavior contributes to a negative feeling and/or denies their responsibility in the matter then you have…. you have…. you have drama. Exactly the same shit you watch on TV only now, you can live the high life and experience that life for yourself because you are complacent enough to let your real life suffer for the sake of being able to tell your drama-addict friends, “Hey, that same stuff that happened on TV happened to me.”

So not only do people thrive off not solving problems to create more drama, to make it worse, people do no know that they do no know how to solve problems. They don’t see their behavior as a problem because part of drama formation is to be totally confident in one’s own rationale and finally let the person know in an intense arena with an audience as opposed to a more personal atmosphere…essentially they think that the way they saw a similar problem handled on TV is how they should handle this problem in their real lives. Not only do people let others continue to do annoying things…they invite them to do it and keep tabs…. I understand evidence needs to be gathered, of course, but within a justifiable time frame.

Once the tab is big enough, they see it as a time to throw down the gauntlet…. This isn’t problem solving my friends, and it isn’t honest friendship either, this is a manipulative power maneuver. Once that gauntlet gets thrown over an accumulation of past situations specifically where it is way, way obvious that you invited or pushed for a certain reaction out of me……then all I can say is that I’m not going to play this game anymore.

The Abuse of Power

The Abuse of Power

I’ve been noticing the influence of power in life, more importantly the abuse of power. The easiest example is always my boss, who can give me unwarranted shit since she is in the position to do so. Power abusers don’t realize that it is actually more difficult for others to judge if the criticism is an authentic critique of a specific situation or if someone is using the situation to show their power. Because most situations fall on a foggy line between the two, the recipient of the abuse- once aware of what is actually going on- cannot tell what the real problem is. So a cycle starts where the abusee ends up doing all these things at the request of the abuser, but never does it right because the abuser forgets (or even worse changes their mind without disclosure) what they instructed the abusee to do. The abusee can never explain the correct side of the story because abusers see their own power as a right to construct reality- as they see fit- for those which they have power over.

Sadly, it can take a long time to see comedy in all the ways which I have been tossed around at somelse’s whim. I’ve learned that once I laugh over a situation, I am more able to rationally deal it with and therefore end up relaxing because I start to express less defensive emotions in future encounters. From there I can see how the content is not worth reacting to because each situation is just a drug people can chose to feed off to get their power abusing fix. At the point it is just a game where I am a player capable of choosing not to play.



Risk of being reduced to a stepping stone

Exposed to different peoples social rules and levels of what is polite. Also their own concept of time. Should one person feel that a week is a long time to go without some sort of validation of the relationship and you think a month is enough then the person with the need for a shorter interval for (not justification but…. What’s the word?) reassurance then the more secure person (assuming the ability to go longer periods of time without reassurance or change in the perception of the status of the relationship indicates less insecurity) must accommodate the insecurities of the other and add this action to the list of what friends are for. With insecurity comes a higher threshold for being let down. Those who are more secure and less in need of constant reassurance have stricter boundaries.

Getting Back to Me

Getting Back to Me

I got back a piece of myself just now…well a ‘piece’ isn’t quite right, more like: I got back a Zoroish mask of myself just now, perhaps a combining of masks actually….just let me explain, I’ll get to the core of this while I write. Throughout today the mask slowly assembled, it started with a phone call at the way too early hour of 9:30am, no wait….that was yesterday…or was it on Monday? Hmmm…so, okay the mask has been building for two or three days now. Moving on.

Larry and Adam called to see if I could come with them to pick up Adam’s car from the shop to bring it home. “Finally, an opportunity for some adventure,” I thought to myself. After working out the logistics of our intended maneuver, we succeeded in getting the ’76 Civic back to Adam’s house. The details of which aren’t as interesting as what the team effort brought out from inside me that hadn’t come out in a very very very long time. It felt great to do so simple of a task with friends who I wouldn’t trust with everything (i.e. driving my car), but that I know in which ways I CAN trust. This ‘CAN’ makes all the difference.

There is a lot of testing with newer friends that has already been accomplished time and time again in the older ones. We know each others strengths and each other’s weaknesses and it is exciting when we know how to overlap the two to cover for each other, in a seamless, high style fashion. It is just that feeling of being deep on the inside of relationships with those around me and not being so conscious of the connection and relation we have with one another. That was the first piece of my mask…lets say the right eye.

The second piece, the left eye, fell into place while talking to Lavina on the phone. I realized that I hadn’t heard her voice in almost 2 and a half years. And all I can say is that I felt like a fairy was hovering above my head sprinkling me with the most soothing, sparkling magic dust and it took me to new heights.

The third piece, the nose, fell into place while hanging out in ‘The Backyard’ tonight. I was back in action, fulfilling my old shoes (figuratively and literally speaking because I put on my old tennis shoes and some toes socks, I hadn’t worn close toed shoes in over a month, felt awesome and warm) while managing to bring in so many new aspects of myself that are now naturally coming out of me and fitting in nicely to the social matrix at hand.

At this point I could hold the mask up to my face and see through it, but it wasn’t until the strap that holds it on fell into place that I felt this extremely full feeling of being complete within myself.

There I was in my mismatching/striped toe-socks, with glasses on, my jeans constantly sagging down past my butt crack (all this yoga melts me), wearing a puffy blue jacket, and my hair in a pony tail, dancing in my kitchen using the back window of the house as my mirror, all while waiting for the kettle to boil water for my tea. I’m not sure how much time had passed in this classic Stephanie state-of-existing when the strap of my mask finally *snapped* it into place and held it there long enough for me to glimpse myself in the mirror, just being myself and honestly enjoying myself.

It is good to be back.

The View of the City Lights

The View of the City Lights

We were just getting ready to leave the restaurant in Bondi, at the time I didn’t really know where Bondi was, other than it was outside of Sydney and obviously on the coast because it was actually called Bondi Beach, pronounced “bond eye”.

At the moment, I can’t remember much of what we were talking about in detail aside from the fact that it was the basic things I guess people would talk about on a date, though I wouldn’t know if that is accurate because the last actual formal date I had been on was when I was 16, and that doesn’t really count because I had already known that guy for a long time.

I do remember listening to something more awesome sounding than music music, an accent. I wasn’t really nervous, because I tend not to take serious situations seriously sometimes unless they get super serious.  I could tell he was a bit nervous at times (or maybe I can say that later because he told me that he was nervous at some point in time way later).

Okay fine I do remember something we talked about that I’d just like to forget him asking me about, “So where is your boyfriend? Why are you traveling alone?”

Stab to the heart, I didn’t want to talk about it, the rule I read someplace is “Don’t talk about the ex to new guys, especially on dates.” Oh well, the lightest answer I could come up with was, “he abandoned me, we were supposed to move someplace together, but I was busy and he didn’t want to wait so he left, then I came here.” After saying it I realized from the look on his face that it wasn’t a very light answer, but at that point it was a sunk cost I had to deal with and people were going to know, I just wanted to avoid the excess emotions attached to it and enjoy the night.

We left the restaurant and took the long way back to the car by walking the board walk. He told me about the place and pointed out a romantic spot where he used to dance with his ex girlfriend.

“At least I’m not the only one bringing up the ex, must not be such a general rule,” I thought to myself. I also thought, “why don’t we dance there now?” but didn’t say it out loud because I figured he’d ask me if he wanted to and he didn’t so I wasn’t going to change his plans.

From there we drove up the hill to a park that over looked the Sydney skyline. I was going to sit down on the grass, but he told me to wait while he took off his jacket and started putting it on the ground for me to sit on. I told him is wasn’t necessary, but he insisted that it was leather and that it was fine.

So there I was, watching the city lights….falling in love again.