I have diagnosed a very simple reason for a very big cause of misery in life, which my be obvious to others, but since I tend to be completely oblivous to myself, I have just figured out my issue.
It isn’t that I expect the world to be stable and reliable, it is just that I was so accustomed to it being so. In my, more or less, predictable upbringing there really weren’t any sudden tragedies. Nope, not too many in comparison to those of the people I have met and those I enjoy having as friends. By the time some tragic situations hit me I was pretty much old enough to not be so affected by the ‘mystery’ of trauma and drama that affect children in a much different way than more adult-like persons such as I found myself at the time. The elderly, as well as those who were once our puppies, pass on, friends and lovers pop in and out of my bubble of existence (some in more dramatic ways than others), parents get ill and recover, etc. Other items of my life that would be labeled as unstable (many of which seem minor or rediculous to outsiders) have always been unstable and thus I find stability in those particular unstable cases, well, they are actually more stable, or at least reasonably so, in comparison to my life as it has been in Sydney and those times closely before.
My ‘baseline,’ that fortune has drawn for me, of what is stable and what is not, is the cause of some misery mentioned above. I have wasted countless hours recently lost with the most perplexed, twisted eyed look on my face over why my life doesn’t work out so smoothly as suggested by people, plans, travel itineraries, etc. Still I’m a bit wide eyed at where the epicenter of these mental and emotional earthquakes is seemingly located. Had I realized this sooner I could have been well past the point of needing to type this out and probably getting myself involved in something else that I wil probably only fully understand after the fact. At least if that were the case I’d be one step ahead of now, sooner, making my present more productive and even possibly more fun.
But moving forward, I’m suggesting that if I continue to rely on my external reality, like I was accustomed to for 24 years, I will become increasingly more unstable. I feel as though I’ve let too much of my emotions to be triggered and validated by the outside world, and it seems to be a rather big mistake that I increasingly keep making.
Realizing this, I’m not sure what to do. ‘ Trial and error’ still seems the way to effectively accept and reject the external pieces in life, but the ‘error’ part has to be the most disheartening aspect that I really don’t want to face anymore, or, at least, I need a break from. How many errors are the limit before I should throw my hands up and say ‘I’m done!’? How much instability and broken suggestions is cause for rejection? And what do I do when I have accepted something that fortune & fate is pulling away from me? I just think it is sad to find something so special and matching of my inner world and not be able to take it along with me in my travels.
Hopefuly more to come on patients, tolerance, and indecisiveness