Every once in a while I come across people with certain characteristics that I want to experience more of. Often times it is because their manner of exchanging communicative signals and social games is similar to mine, so the conversation keeps going even if nothing of useful substance is actually being said. And key, we both enjoy it, or seem to, because we keep doing it.
Infatuation evolves out of wanting to interact but not being able to get enough of the interaction. So the mind essentially improvises, to my dismay. Now the person ceases to exist to me in their real form. I unknowingly create an extra-added layer of perception, which I end up rationalizing as real because my mind is great at making up perfect scenarios to fulfill the excess emotion that isn’t properly stimulated by the external world. It creates confusion between whom I’m actually thinking of and whom I’m actually in the presence of. This makes me nervous, because I start having difficulty acting normal since I don’t actually know the person well enough to know if how I perceive them is actually how they are. Thus how I want to behave is held back in fear that I perceive the situation incorrectly. The remedy: to actually hang out with the person as much as possible until I find that one thing about the person that I absolutely cannot put up with. This dulls the emotional need to incorporate the person into my thoughts. Once they are out of my thoughts, I’m free of the person I was hoping they would be.
I often sit and daydream about how it all could go wrong. I could get a devastating disease, special people could suddenly cease to exist, or someone could undermine my efforts for stability and longevity. I guess those are the main categories to fear and ruminate over how I would handle myself through various survival mechanisms. It is one thing to dream up horrifying situations, yet it another when a perfectly rational individual believes that the moment they fear the most is actually happening and could lead them to the devastating end or life situation that they dread most. But that thesis is best saved for a different essay.
In remedy of these intense periods of anxiety, I try to think of equally horrifying situations that I wouldn’t be afraid of. Through this procedure, I have learned that there are horrifying things that I wouldn’t be so devastated over if they actually happened so long as none of my choices were a contributing factor to the outcome. For example, getting an STD would be much worse than having breast cancer considering that the former involved some sort of break down in my decision making, whereas the latter is probably a result of nature being out of my control. Though I guess you could add the nature argument to both cases, but it is clearly more heavily weighted in the breast cancer example unless I willingly to walk into a high radiation zone, which is highly unlikely despite my extremely over-active imagination.
My intense habit of dreaming up bad situations stems from bad things that happened in the past which I felt totally unprepared to properly deal with in the moment. Like all those situations where after the fact you think of all the perfect things you could have said that would have been much better than what you actually said. It is those moments that haunt me because of their sudden heightened occurrence that forced me to deal with everything that was happening in the moment without break or proper time to think it through. All I had on me at the time were the only resources I was capable of using, and even then I wasn’t even aware of all the tools at my disposal.
These situations have caused me much misery over the bad way in which I believe I handled the situation and in this jungle it seems as though my mind needs more training on how to more properly deal with them when they come along again in the future. Until then, I’ll traumatize my inner world in hopes of not feeling so traumatized from the outside world.